I am a freshman in a university. I work two jobs and was in a healthy stable relationship with my boyfriend. He's 22 and I am 19. I have been on birth control since I was 17 years old to regulate my period. He's the second guy I've ever been with and I confirmed I was pregnant March 1st 2017 after my biology lab class. The test turned positive and I was so torn. I've never felt two strong emotions at once. I was extremely excited and happy i couldn't believe it but seconds later I realized what my chances were. All my life I grew up taking care of kids that weren't mine. My family's always had kids running around and I was so excited to one day have mine.

But that day was the day my heart broke into a million pieces. Kevin was excited and sad too. We both knew the statistics and knew we wouldn't be able to keep our baby. We both cried for hours in his room. We both lived with our own parents since we're both in school and working. He had a year left to finish I just started my own. We knew we wouldn't be able to. As time went on I started thinking maybe we could but that's just it, it was all maybes. I ended up contacting pregnancy resources centers in my area. I found an excellent center in Hackensack NJ. Wonderful people I absolutely loved my experience with them. On March 2nd I found out I was 11 weeks pregnant with a healthy strong baby. I heard my babies heart beat and I saw him move on the monitor. Kevin and I both cried knowing how beautiful this moment was. But soon my dreams turned into reality and there I was starring back at a black and white picture of my ultrasound. I knew he was a boy, I felt it in my heart. My baby was strong and extremely active. But when discussing our next steps I told Jane I wanted to have an abortion. She seemed sad but with no judgement she handed me a folder containing various pamphlets about abortion and other ways to handle this. There I was sitting next to Kevin reading every single piece of paper over and over again. The feelings sunk in and I lost it for a while. I zoned out for hours, speechless, motionless, almost breathless. Kevin stayed next to me the entire time. Offering me food or a beverage every 10 minutes. I didn't even speak to him. I couldn't find the words to express myself. All I was thinking was how could I go through this. Over the next days I dreamt of my baby and Kevin, us being a family. Driving around town, watching movies etc.

But I realized I wouldn't be able to finish my career. My career hasn't even started. I am a pred med major with hops of becoming an optometrist and opening up my own office. How could I do that with a baby while being an undergraduate if I could barely wake up on time for my 8:15 Pathophysiology class? I made an appointment and I made a decision to terminate my pregnancy. Nobody knows. Just Kevin and I. I'm so scared to say anything, I've never really seeked help from my mother and I don't want to disappoint my father. I was alone with just Kevin. I made our choice and I made Kevin promise he wouldn't let me punk out. We knew we wouldn't be able to have the life we've discussed if we'd keep him now.

It's June 25th, and I've finished my first year. I aced all my finals, finished with a 3.8 GPA, two certificates of achievement, and became an intrest in a sorority I plan to bring onto campus. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about him. Peanut would've been born 5 days after my 20th birthday. I don't plan to celebrate my birthday becaus I took a life away from an innocent child. All I can do now is continue to work hard and push forward to one day get him back and be ready this time.

Kevins been my rock and I'll always love him. He's been doing great. He started working out again and lost 25 pounds since March. He says he wants to be healthy for peanuts return(in approximately 10-15 years) he says good habits are hard to break in and that's why he's getting started so early. I'm working two jobs this summer and plan to visit Universal studios in Orland next March. Seems to be that everything's going well. I try my best to communicate with Kevin but he gets really sad and doesn't know how to talk about what happend. I've been doing my best but I think he needs professional help.

I cry myself to sleep some nights, pondering about what could've been had I kept my baby. But I'm working on me for him. I need to be a good role model for him and I need time. Time to heal.

Thank you for listening to my story. I hope you heal in time.

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