Done TRYING. I'm tired of this battle at a younger age....

Katie • Got my 🌈 👶🏼♥️ baby girl 🥰
After my mishap today with the pregnancy test I am basically done tracking, I have a lot of people telling me that's a bad idea and I should continue and others saying it probably is the best decision. I've sat and read so many posts like these and thought to myself "how could you give up?" But now I understand... 
EVERY MONTH, I say I'm just going to let it go, stop buying ovulation kits. Wasting money. Looking at glow but I don't do it. Because I've been afraid, but today.. after sitting in the bathroom hopeful because this month "felt different" than before and all the signs were there I've just had it. I took a test and sat hopeful staring into the endention. It looked like it was going to be positive and there was a line for a moment. I broke down in tears of joy and as SOON as I went to get my phone and came back it was gone. This will be 17 months now of NOTHING. I dropped into the floor and screamed. Threw the test across the bathroom and had myself a little meltdown. I was SO heartbroken and angry that the ONE THING I am supposed to do I cannot.... and that's when I realized it isn't healthy that I feel this way and it's just killing me. I've been depressed and angry all the time. Frustrated and every single month just seems like an eternity waiting for AF to be over then my positive OPK then my TWW. Just to get my hopes up. It's hard too not to. because when it's everything you want and pray for and it just seems so far out of reach. When you finally think you get there to grasp it it's gone. Stuck feeling hopeless... 
I know a lot of you might have been trying a lot longer. Trust me I feel guilt for EVEN being angry it's only been 17 months. I just can't help it. Having NO real reason why I can't just eats me up daily. All of you women who have struggled longer I just want you to know you are so strong and filled with SO MUCH courage. & I wish I had your will. I just don't. 
So, I'm giving up on the vigorous day to day stress. I'm gonna enjoy my husband, stop feeling like I'm on a timeline to get pregnant before he leaves, plan a cruise for my 21st this September and hope that when my hubby deploys, that when he gets back we will be blessed 3 times over. 
I'll continue to keep each and every woman who is struggling as I am, and longer in my prayers; and please keep me in yours, or just your thoughts.
 Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you get your BFP soon. 
P.S. aunt flow showed her ugly face this morning. Along with painful cramps.