Why keep going

We've been together for a year and six months, in this time we graduated high school spent an amazing summer together and our relationship turned into a long distance one. The is now in the army, has been for about 11 months. He got leave and visited during Christmas, but it was only 10 days and 7 of those were spent on a cruse with his family. Thr time he was close he went out with his friends, his family but i noticed him different but only with me, we didnt go out much together, if we did we just ended up having sex in his car and but no elaborate plans to go out like he had been planing with his friends. I understood, or atleast i thought i did, i blamed it in the army and how he now has to be a grown man and not the kid i dated in high school. There was two days left until he had to go back so i asked him when we stood, i wanted plans or atleast to hear what he thought our future could look like, whether that be together or not. We talked and the night ended with me crying my eyes out, him holding me and crying with me and us not being together anymore. We saw eachother the following day so we could say good bye.

I begged him for about 3 weeks before he sayed he would be mine again. (I know maybe i shouldn't have begged but i did because i thought we were wkrth fighting for) I had plans to go visit him, i had everything payed for and i was ready to go but my mom decided she wasnt going to let me go, ofcourse I bought the ticket and everything with her permission, but she just didnt think it was a good idea anymore and threatened on calling the police if i even thought abkut going. So i was stuck with a ticket i couldnt use anymore and a mind that needed peace. So i flew to Puerto Rico, where my family lives and spent spring break here instead.

Lately its been really hard, everything. He ks more focused on the army, and kfckurse i want him to be safe when he gets deployed in december. But we've been getting into alot of fights, sometimes over the smallest misunderstandings. Like today i said im gaining weight and kt turned into a huge fight. His family is flying to him this week, and i gkt so jeolous i automatically wanted more attention from him. I havent talked to him on the phone in 9 days, not like he calls me on the regular anyways. I know hes not cheating, he wou ld break up with me vefore doing that.

I dont understand what to do or how to behave with him. This is a man i want to marry and i see myself in the future with. I dont know if i should just play it cool and act like everything is okay or if i should explode and tell him how i feel. He needs to be focused on training, i need him to be safe, but im crying myself to sleep basicly every night and he doesn't know it. He says he loves me but i dknt know how much he truly means that. I mis him so much. I need help, im afraid of hurting myself mentally. I have litteraly been sick and with panic attacks and depression and anxiety sinve he left. Ive also been physically sick since then too, when i would never get sick before. Please help me.