Need someone to tall to

I posted about being abused, I really want somebody to talk to but I have nobody, I'm tired of being treated like I am. I've been kicked, hit, pushed, spat n my face, head butted, swung at with objects, dirty mop water dumped on me, called names and constantly put down. Then he tries to blame me for the reason he does it. He's an alcoholic and wont get help even for me and our relationship.

Thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind as a way out because it seems like the only way. Multiple times I've had the gun loaded and in my hands ready to take my life but something always tells me not to. I don't feel a need to live anymore and haven't for a while. I'm scared I'll do something stupid and nobody will even care if I do.