Also would it be considered in the same ballpark of "self harm" if I don't take my pain pills sometimes because I feel like I deserve the pain? I never got therapy for it in the past. It just kinda stopped when my life came into emotional control after I graduated high school. Now with a major relapse of my condition (plus maybe a new BC worsening my depression maybe?) I've felt utterly out of control.

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Thanks for all the support, I would just like to put it out there that I'm not suicidal or self harming more than that one episode. I feel so ashamed I relapsed and think my husband will be so sad if he finds out.

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I called my insurance and explained, they referred me to a local crisis office that takes drop ins. Thanks everyone.