Crying after masturbating

Am I the only person that sometimes cries after masturbating?

Background- I've been in a relationship for 5 years, married for 1, and I'm not entirely sure my husband's ever been able to satisfy me. I had an affair, great sex but the guy was a bad egg. So i sometimes think about that sex while masturbating and then after I finish i just get this overwhelming sadness, like shit why can't I find someone to satisfy me and touch me lovingly?

I've tried so hard to have good sex with my husband, tried telling him what feels good, and what I like but I swear it's like teaching a fish Braille and i end up frustrated and crying after, i give up, and let him get off or we stop.

I just want to feel pleasure without sadness, is that too much to ask??