I'm 18 and pregnant. Me and my boyfriend live together and have been together for 2 years. I have struggled with depression honestly for as long as I can remember. A few years ago, maybe 3 years ago I took a handful of sleeping pills in attempt to kill myself. About 4 years ago I was taken to a hospital for people who weren't stable. I got extremely drunk for the first time ever and when I got caught I told my mother EVERYTHING how I had been making myself throw up after I ate, how I was cutting, how I wanted to kill myself, all of it. I was taken to the hospital and was WAY over the legal limit. After I sobered up they took me too the special hospital and made me start taking medication, put me on calorie count and made sure I was doing what I needed. And I was so happy there, things were calm, things were easy, it was just a break. My Bulimia continued for about another year, before I had to stop and realized what it was doing to my body.. But damn was a small, I have now gained the weight back+ more and I'm more insecure than ever. Also about 3 years ago I was with a boy for about 3 years, off and on because of the events, who was also pretty unstable, ended up raping me through out the last few months of the relationship so I had to struggle with that as well. Now my depression is getting really bad again (before I got pregnant) it's an on and off thing. I am fine and then things get bad, I hold it in and hold it in and hold it in until I crack and have a full on meltdown. I can NOT keep doing this. I would like to admit myself into this hospital and work on fixing myself, but my boyfriend argued that I can't lose the job that I'm hopefully starting soon so instead of admitting myself tonight.. which was an awful night.. I'd wait until I got the job, I'd wait a week and then go, because that way I can't lose the job, that we very much need.. and then he argued that he wouldn't want to just be at the house all by himself and with the puppy, when I said that I was sorry but I needed it he then admitted that if I were to go he would leave me because he doesn't want to be with someone who has to go there.. But whether I go there or not, I'm still someone who needs to go there.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this baby I'm having, more than anything but I mentally can NOT keep going like this, I genuinely want to die. So I don't know what to do in very persistent about raising my child with my child father, I hated that my parents weren't together. I hated bouncing house to house, I hated that my mother abandoned me for 8-9 years of my life, that I still to this day have meltdowns on holidays because I can't take the stress of all 4 of my families events AND now adding my boyfriend's family and god forbid they plan them around each other, nope my mom's and dad's will be at the same time so I have to play the who's house am I going to which parent am I choosing over the other and that is not something I'm willing to put my child through, and I do love him but that's just unfair of him, which he even said he knows it's unfair and doesn't care. He can't give me any other suggestions other than, well just suck it up and deal with it but I can't keep doing that because that's where these crazy meltdowns come from. Any advice?

Sorry if this was all over the place, so is my head.