Since I was probably 7 or 8 I had to take care of myself. Before that my parents would leave me at the kitchen table by myself to eat supper to watch TV or get on the computer. When my period started in 6th grade, one of my grandmas would always bring me extra clothes and pads to school. It was never my mom. My grandma taught me how I should always be clean and if I ever have a gut feeling to always be prepared. I would never get any symptoms for my period. It just kinda happened. I had friends but none that I really knew a whole lot about. I was allowed to sleep over but I was never allowed to have friends over or have a party. Never had a birthday party with my friends. Anything I made whether it was art or jewelry or anything for that matter I would get half-assed compliments so I resorted to playing computer games. I had one friend who I started talking to through a game. I would talk to him almost everyday. I was 14 and he was 2 years older than me. We would be on and off in a relationship for 7 years. He was my best friend but very emotionally draining. He would date some girl at his school so I didn't have anyone to love me that way. But as soon as I had someone who might've he would be single again. But during a time when we were both single I was excited. I cried on my 18th birthday because he wanted to actually meet me and they would not allow it. Even though I had been talking to him for 7 years. On January 30th 2012, a guy who I knew since kindergarten admitted that he has loved me since elementary but I never knew. We were close but not best friends at the time. So in order to get away from my emotionally draining best friend/boyfriend this guy writes a text that I agreed upon while he was writing to push this "best friend" away. Then I blocked him right after. My dad does not like this guy who has turned out to be the love of my life. Both him and my dad are bullheaded. They won't listen but my boyfriend does not like being talked down to. Something happened and my dad yelled at my bf causing a small argument. My bf yelled back. Dad has not liked him since because someone actually spoke up against him. My sister in law has also done the same. I moved out when I was 19. I couldn't deal with my parents anymore, they treated me with disrespect. And now 4 years later, I'm 23 and they think I should be the one to text them all the time. No, I left because they didn't want me there. I raised myself after my brother went off to the marines. That day I knew I was alone til I got out. So I had to survive. Now I look back and I get super depressed. Why wouldn't they pay attention? Why did I have to struggle for love from the people I had to love? My parents even blamed him for an injury to a cat I was keeping for them when they had to live separate for medical reasons. They thought he took it out with some friends and shot it with a pellet gun and broke it's leg. Well the real story is, I was taking trash out and the door didn't latch so she got out. I looked for her for hours with no luck. It was midnight and she is a dark cat. So I went to work that next day hoping she would be at the door when I came home. She was but laying in front of the door crying and her leg was limp. I called my mom and my parents came over. My dad saw a pellet gun that we only use on raccoons because someone at the apartment complex had an outside cat and was attracting them with the food bowls. We would have raccoons 3 feet from our door and wouldn't move. How do we know if they are rabid or not? So my dad saw it and immediately accused my bf of shooting the cat. Soon after we take the cat to the vet they say they are going to sue him for damages when he didn't even do anything. He was at work or asleep. They ended up not doing that and said they will drop it but said "he is still a thorn in our side". For doing what?The bf who is my fiancee now struggles to keep me sane when I get to those low times. I had gotten to the point when I filled up a tub with water and sat in it debating whether I should down this entire bottle of painkillers or hold my breath or just say fuck it and blow my brains out. My parents are the reason I am depressed. I see my nieces and wish I had a childhood as awesome as theirs. I can almost see the love coming off of my brother and my sister in law towards the girls. Something I wish I had as a child. And I love those girls so much. We are close to getting a loan for this house we are currently renting but our landlady will be moving out of state. She also wants us to get this house. Would everything be better after I have a child? Which might take 5 more years or so. I don't want to be like this til then. It might get worse after getting a child. I think about all of the possibilities and my anxiety drives up my depression. My fiancee doesn't feel like I do and he says it will all be okay but I can feel he gets irritated by my constant emotional problems. Last night I was over at my brothers house and was taking to my SIL and spilled my entire heart out. She cried with me because my brother also has issues with our parents too. My dad isn't his but my dad "raised" him. She told me to right down a list of everything I think of myself good or bad and look in the mirror and say "I am me. Nothing will change that and I forgive myself for everything. I don't need to forgive my parents because they will learn. And when they admit to my face that they did a horrible job of raising me, I will forgive them. " But as of right now, what do I do with my depression and anxiety? Do yoga, herbal remedies, workout... I want to feel better. Pills are out of the question. My dad took Prozac and made him dead on the inside he said. Please help me. I don't want to get to that low point again. I'm scared.