On Fri 6/23, at our 6mo. regular checkup, we were told there was no heartbeat.

I was induced on Mon 6/26 at 24w1d. She was fine just 3 weeks prior for our 20w anatomy scan.

Based on her condition. We lost her probably very shortly after that 20w appt.

We did get to see her- the nurses cleaned her up the best they could and wrapped her and put a beautiful purple beanie on her. We have a beautiful certificate with her hand and foot prints that is the one thing that causes me to tear up.

I've had to go back for leg ultrasounds for possible blood clots-- apparently I do have some superficial ones in my right calf, was told hot compresses would resolve.

We're waiting for the autopsy, and I have to retest my blood in 12 weeks as I tested weakly positive for lupus anticoagulant which is apparently not lupus, but some antibody that causes problems w the placenta and blood... as I can understand it currently... also the placenta was small and they are doing more testing there.

I was terribly afraid of the epidural (which was less painful than I had imagined) but I delivered immediately after receiving it so all I really had was the start of the tingling sensation and then they turned it off after delivering the placenta.

Now, every night around 9/10pm - around the time I delivered - I get massive anxiety and my body starts to feel weird and tingly ... I think it's some kind of PTSD reaction but I don't know if that's a real thing

I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. I still want a girl and worried how I'll feel if our next baby is a boy. I'm turning 38 in 1.5months and we only really wanted to have 1 anyway and I feel like time is running out but I'm not ready to TTC - our dr said 6mo would be ok due to my age and health but they usually rec. waiting 9mo's

I was only 23/24 weeks and I actually feel grateful - we hadn't built the nursery- or had a shower yet...and I just keep imagining - what if our next baby is also stillborn but later, I would be destroyed.

Also, all our friends are delivering their 2nd child right now and it's just the worst -- especially the timing is hitting my husband the hardest.

I haven't been able to really cry yet and I'm afraid it's all going to hit me at the worst time.

(I also HATE everyone who compares a miscarriage to a stillbirth-- and tells me they understand when they can't possibly- and there's so many!!)