After seeing all the the smack my mother has been through, I do not like or trust people. My dad used to beat her up and was even arrested for attempted murder and left her disabled. I do not let anyone in, I can't trust people with anything. I feel like they can always disappoint you. I have never been in a relationship because sometimes I think I could possibly be like my father, we have a lot in common and we both like watching violent things, we are both manipulative and we both don't care about other people. I don't want to be the person I am, but it is almost as if there's something in my brain that ticks when I see or cause violence and I can't stop. It's kind of like having the need to blink, or how someone with OCD describes what they go through. I just become trapped in my head and I think I'm mentally ill and possibly damaged by my past. my brother and sister have seen the same things but they are normal people with normal feelings. I don't want to be like my father and enjoy the pain of others, but I kind of think he was just mentally ill and it was something that was never picked up, because I am very similar and the only way I do not indulge my sadism is to not take part in activities that would trigger that 'thing' in my brain. I am not condoning my father's actions but I think many people might be suffering the same illness and if we can possibly identify it at an early age and stop it, we can prevent many many people from getting hurt in the future. am I the only on with this thing or are there people who are similar to me?