Earlier this year I was pregnant but due to uncontrollable circumstances (homelessness and other nonsense) I had to abort at 20 weeks (April 28, 2017 was when I had it done). Broke my heart to do it and I've been depressed since. I've suffered from depression for a long time, like 10+ years, but really had myself and my emotions under control for the last couple years. But lately I've been binge eating again and am super lethargic and just never want to move or do anything. I'm super anti social now and pick fights with my fiancée any time he wants to go hang out with his buddies. It's so stupid and I feel super guilty the second I shut up. I apologize and he's usually nice about it but I still feel bad.

Anyway, I gained like 15-20 pounds during the pregnancy and have gained about 10-15 (went from 195 to 229) since the abortion. I've been heavier than this (280lbs) before but I feel so fat and gross all the time. I catch him looking at my belly with a weird face all the time. He would never say anything mean to me about my weight like that but it's making me so much more self conscious. I called him out on it today and he didn't deny it. We both just didn't say anything else.

I get random bursts of motivation but it never lasts for more than a day at a time. I'll take a good walk or buy some healthy food but end up eating some junk. I just feel so defeated right now. I've got no home, no money, no job, no baby, and now he's looking at me like I'm gross.

I talk to him about how I want to die and how I miss and want my baby. But he just doesn't understand.

I want to loose this weight in a healthy way (for me and my confidence and my health) but don't know how. I feel so alone and done with everything. 😪