I write this in hopes of anyone reaching out who has been in the same situation or know of someone who has.

I've been on Glow for over a year and a half now. My husband and I have been TTC for 16 months. Now.. hold up. I realize that's not as long as a lot of couples out there. In our world... this pain of even 16 short mo is all we know. And regardless, the pain is real.

I have normal periods. Every 28-30 days. I've never been diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis. We had chemical pregnancies in August and November of 2016 without any record of pregnancies prior or post losses.

In June 2017, Day 3 blood work and seaman analysis all came back normal. Hystosonogram and HSG - "textbook perfect" per my OB............... Except one test. We were just recently told our care was being transferred to one of the only RE's in the state. But we were left in the dark. I was left in the dark. On day 3 of my cycle, my DHEA-S levels were "slightly" elevated. It's was 490. I was firmly told by the nurse at my OB's office that we need to retest as it could be an idiopathic result. With that being said she followed with, "STAY OFF GOOGLE!! Doctor's orders!!" I'm type A. So that went over really well *note sarcasm*. Three days later I went in for more bloodwork. Results came back at 568. Then the referral to the RE happened. The RE is based out of Bozeman, MT and has an outreach program in Missoula, MT. The appointment? Little less than two months away. Two month with no answers. No indication or reasoning of high DHEA-S levels. And why it was so important for me not to search it. And, well, I did. High levels of DHEA-S can indicate multiple things. But we all know that all things googled can lead to "having cancer" and "dying" right? Well... that's exactly what came up.

Could mean I'm producing too much testosterone and that was messing with my ovulation (although I've always gotten a positive OPK). Could mean my pituitary glands are producing too much of a hormone. But most importantly... I've read these levels that are elevated over 600 can be a sign of a pituitary gland or ovarian tumor. Either cancerous or benign. Yet... there wasn't another blood draw request put in. I'm being made to wait for two months to find out ANYTHING about my body unless I go to my PCP to have an ultrasound done to stack up more bills.

Has ANYONE been in a situation like this? My period started last month and for once I felt numb. I didn't feel worthless or hopeless. A part of me felt weight was lifted off my shoulders no matter how badly I didn't want to have to reach for a tampon. And I know I'll find out on August 11th what the next steps and testing will be. But I'm having a hard time waiting. Trying to stay positive while in the back of my "what if" brain all that's circulating is I may not ever be able to have children. I may continue to feel hopeless, worthless, inept, because of the inability to get pregnant naturally and the first time like so many others are excited to share about. It's a lonely feeling... this whole infertility journey. As right now we come up on the 1 year anniversary of our first loss. My heart begins to break. And I questions everything

Any help or insight is absolutely appreciated more than anyone realizes. I'm losing myself within this journey and I hate that I have to care so much about it and can't just "relax" like everyone tells me to.

What matters most to me is having a family and giving them what I never had. Unconditional love and a loving home.