It's taken me two years to admitted I was raped by an ex. I never have said that word out loud but that's what happened. I tried to say no and push him away. He didn't notice or care. I still don't blame him. Flash forward two years and a lot of self therapy, I finally had a heart to heart with my best friend about my shame, guilt, and anxiety. I told her how it happened, how I wasn't even sure if he knew I wanted to stop. How I didn't consider myself a victim but I bore shame and guilt from the relationship. I was relieved when she understood, when I knew I wasn't placing my emotional burden on her, when she didn't feel like I was hiding who I was from her.

I think I'm getting better. I think I could have a relationship based on attraction again instead of security. I think I've had a breakthrough. I was raped.