Four years ago I was raped. It was a guy I went to high school with. We started talking. Which was crazy because he was mister football and I was little ms rebel. But anyways, we started talking and everything seemed great. He had his own apartment. He invited me over to watch a movie and hang out. I told him beforehand that we weren't going to have sex. (I'm not that kind of girl). Well we sat in the living room and everything was going fine. Then he asked if I would stay the night. Again. I told him we weren't going to have sex. He said he was fine with that. Well we ended up laying in his room. I fell asleep. All was well. Then I woke up to him pinning me down by my arms and raping me. I couldn't do anything. He is a big guy. I'm almost 6 foot and I am thick and I couldn't stop him. I remember screaming and asking him to stop. He wouldn't. He tried to make it funny and kept saying "I'm bigger than you" while laughing. I started crying and left. I never told anyone until my husband and I started dating because I knew it was my fault. I put myself in that situation. I was an idiot. I should have just gone home.

But the whole point to this is, I still struggle with it. When my husband and I first started dating I told him. Because he had a habit of picking me up and giving me big bear hugs and when I tried to get away he would say "I'm bigger than you". I kept brushing it off then one time it just hit me hard. I started crying and he knew something was wrong so I gave him a brief description of what happened. He still doesn't know details. But I catch myself every once in awhile we will be having sex and my mind drifts back to that time. He will try to get kinky and hold my wrists above my head but t scares me. Or he will start to be a little too rough and it gives me horrible flashbacks. I want to talk to him about it, but I don't want him to be hurt that it's on my mind while we are having sex. A couple of days ago we had sex and he was being too rough that I just lost it I laid there and laid there until he was done and then I just wanted to crawl up and cry. He got mad because he knew something was upsetting me but I wouldn't tell him what. I don't know how to make this stop.