Can count on one hand how many people I've shared this with so I'm a little nervous about sharing it on here. I will not go into full detail as the last thing I want to come out of sharing this is to trigger another abuse survivor.

This was my first year of college, I had a dorm to myself. I came out of the shower in a towel in my room and he was laying on my bed. I had forgotten to lock the door. I thought it was weird, but ended up being even worse.

It has ripped apart my entire life.

I didn't come home that spring break (and I was attending a school 600+ miles from school) bc I was such a wreck. My friends all asked what was wrong, why I wasn't eating, talking, why I started smoking again.

But now here I am, the summer after my freshman year of college, and I have decided i will not be going back. I feel like a loser and a piece of shit for it. I've been a lifelong sufferer of depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder but this event has made it worse than I would have ever imagined possible.

I have a boyfriend now but I get weird flashbacks when I'm intimate with him, specifically flashbacks of the moments before my assault, (TW) where my legs were being held apart and my vagina being spit on. For whatever reason that memory can't seem to leave me no matter how much counseling I do or how much I trust and love my boyfriend.

Anyone else have troubles with flashbacks? Any advice to me? P