Failed First Time

My first time was forced by a stranger. We somehow have been together for 5 months now. He has no idea that he pressured me into sex. I was extremely disappointed, as instead of losing it to a man I love in bed, he fucked me on my roommates carpet. He knows that I was disappointed, yet never wanted to have a redo. I know it's stupid but I actually cry sometimes cause of it... what's worse is he will say that he's loved me since the first time he saw me, well then why weren't you gentle...