I was just at a family party today and saw my cousin's baby for the first time. She's beautiful! Just 3 weeks old and just so precious.

But every time I looked at her, my heart would just ache!! My throat would tighten, I'd feel tears coming to my eyes, and stomach would slightly ache. I avoided holding her, for fear that I would reveal my emotions.

Don't misinterpret me, I don't feel jealous, per se, nor do I hate my new little cousin or my cousin and his wife, at all! I feel so happy for them!

It's just, I couldn't help my brain and gut. I know I will have children some day, whenever God decides. Why did I have to react like that? I don't want ppl thinking I'm jealous! I regret not holding that sweet little girl that did nothing wrong. Everyone held her, but me.

Am I terrible?