This was the month. It was the month we had done the baby dance way more times than ever before. I tracked every symptom and every cm, and I took my prenatals faithfully.

The only think I haven't tried is an ovulation kit, and my BBT.

At 9DPO I took my first test, and it was negative. I blamed it on early timing and kept my spirits up. Day rolled around and AF was due but didn't show. I took another test and that too came back negative. So at 4 days late, and still a negative, I thought maybe it was the test. I was using the cheapy .88 cent test and decided to upgrade.

After taking that test, it still showed negative. By this point I know I'm not pregnant and my heart plummets. I've been doing almost all I can think to do.

Every month when AF comes my heart sinks lower and lower. I'm not sure when I will crack, but I feel pretty close. I'm 29 and still just trying for my first. It's extremely hard keeping up the obsessive tracking and planning day after day, month after month. And I go through this angry moment where I'm so mad that I can't just have one baby.

I've only been pregnant one other time. I miscarried two weeks after I found out. It's the only time I've ever seen a positive pregnancy test, and I fear that it may ever be the only time.

I feel like I'm losing hope. I have these dreams, very vivid dreams of being pregnant and giving birth and holding my baby... but then I wake up and realize I'm not yet a mom. I realize that despite all the planning and prepping, it could just all be a waste of energy .

I get these doubts in my head and can't shake them. And after I go through all that, the tears just flow. I feel defeated and the uncontrollable crying begins incessantly.

My husband is so sweet and understanding, he even brought me home roses because he knows how hard this is for me. But I know it's hard on him too.

What good am I if I can't even provide him with a child???