Sorry this is a little long, just want to make sure the details are here so I can get unbiased opinions.

I have 8 yr old twin boys. I had 3 miscarriages before them over 2.5 yes ttc and had finally gotten approval to get <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">fertility treatment</a> when, bam, ended up pregnant with them. It was a really rough pregnancy, my husband was gone and I kept going into premature labor and almost lost them, got put on full be dress for the last 4 months. Then ppd kicked my ass big time, so I got on the mirena for almost 7 yrs.

November 2013 we decided I was emotionally & physically ok enough and we were financially stable enough to try again. Since then I've had 3 more early miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies one this past November and the 2nd last month. The first ectopic almost killed me because the Dr's at my hospital kept insisting that I had my dates wrong or I'd already miscarried and somehow not noticed so I bled internally for 4 days before finally collapsing completely. Then the 2nd one in February somehow got into the tiny little stump left of my left fallopian tube.... It happened so quickly I never saw it coming, I was fine one minute and the next I was laying on the floor in my husband's office screaming. I thought I was handling everything ok up until a couple months ago. After the 1st ectopic and losing my tube I was very depressed, but after the 2nd I kind of felt like I'd been given a 2nd chance..... Went into surgery with everyone thinking that it was my right tube and woke up to find out I was no worse off then before. So, yeah I was sad but I kind of felt like I'd gotten a second chance and I should be thankful for that. Then a few weeks ago my migraines suddenly became dramatically worse. I've had them since my early teens but in the past month they became so bad I couldn't function, causing seizures, stroke like symptoms, I had to be hospitalized and put under anesthesia because of one that lasted over a week and I was so dehydrated my veins started collapsing. So basically I had to face the fact that I was maybe not handling all the stress as well as I'd thought. They found a medication that seems to be working somewhat at preventing them and I've made a serious effort in working through my issues with my therapist though I know I still have work to do.

Here's my problem. I finally got a referral to a fertility provider off base to start testing and see if they can figure out what the problem might be. However, my husband has arbitrarily decided that we are not having any more kids and that he wants me to go back on birth control..... He did say he was open to discussion later on when my physical problems are worked out, but he has refused to go with me to any of my tests and that really hurt. I have tried to talk to him about this but basically all he will say is that he is done. He says it's not him, that he is sad and a little depressed about the losses too, but he says that I am not physically or emotionally stable enough for him to risk it, that he's not willing to risk me getting pregnant and possibly dying from another ectopic or some other complication. I'm almost 33 and I've been very clear about the fact that if I'm not pregnant by 34 that I'm not willing to continue to try because I am bipolar and I know risks to both mother and risks of deformities, etc increase a lot after 35. I want to keep trying. I fought for a yr to get this referral and testing and it hurts me that he wants to give up right as we might get some answers. I also feel like it's not very fair for him to decide what I can and cannot handle physically or emotionally. I understand the risks, I've already been through it all, I know that being bipolar makes all this stress harder for me to safely manage my moods, etc. I get that and I understand that as my husband he has a say in it because it's his life too.

But I am not ready to give up and I feel that it's really unfair of him to completely make that decision without even listening to my feelings. I want to talk to him about this again now that it's been a few weeks and things seem to be settling down, but I'm really afraid of making an already tense discussion worse, I'm pretty terrific at saying the absolute worst thing possible when trying to explain how I feel. So what would you say in this conversation? I need him to know that 1.) I would never go behind his back and try to get pregnant, like tell him I was back on bc and not actually take it and 2.) that I know I can handle this and I'll stop if it becomes too much for me to handle emotionally and I won't deliberately risk my health and my families just because I want a baby so badly. The last time we talked about it emotions were still very raw and I apparently came across as being selfish and not caring how he felt. I really don't want to do that again. :(