A birth story from a Mama who suffers from a panic disorder. That's me! Ha This is my 3rd baby, but I was sooo nervous about birth this time around. My first was induced with an epidural 9 years ago. My second was a natural, home water birth 6 years ago. The natural birth left me feeling almost traumatized because of the intensity of the push contractions. So this time I wanted an epidural. I was so scared I wouldn't make it to the hospital on time or my husband who works 3 hours away would miss the birth and I NEEDED HIM! I have Agoraphobia. Weird body feelings make me panic, so birth is really daunting. Ok so my due date was 8-6-17 and my mom and daughter flew in from a vacation ON my due date. We had storms coming in the night and I was mad my mom was going to stay at my gramas that night instead of with me Bc I had been feeling close to labor and my husband had to go to work at 4am.

So at 4am he leaves for work. 4:20am I have a Braxton hicks or two. 4:30 I time one. 4:35 I start to time another one and... OMG MY WATER BREAKS ALL OVER THE BED! I'm freaking out Bc this has never happened to me before and I just know this baby is coming NOW! Lmao with my other 2 water breaking meant baby like NOW. So I call my husband and I'm panicking already yelling "turn around get home my water just broke! Ohgodohshitohnoimscaredhurryhurryhurry!" He's like "oh! Shit! Ok!" We decide he should just meet us at the hospital. So I call my mom and same thing, yell crying for her to hurry. She's there in like 20 minutes. We get to the hospital and my husband wheels me in. When we get into a room I'm at a 3-4 having mild, sporadic contractions that honestly ain't shit. Contraction pain doesn't scare me, it's the pushing that scares me! Haha so I get the epidural in case it goes fast and getting the epi was an awful feeling for me. I said "it's popping!" As he put it in and he's like "that's just ligaments it's going through." *puke* ok I didn't puke, but even now I cringe at the feeling of that thing popping through the ligaments in my back. My contractions weren't hard enough to change my cervix so they wanted to start me on pitocin (specifically on my birth plan not to have). Since my water broke first i went ahead and let that one go Bc they worry about risk of infection and I was ready to get this show on the road Bc I had not stopped shaking since my water broke. Started me on the lowest dose possible of Pit at around 11am. I dilated to a 6 pretty fast. I was feeling more than I would like when they checked me so I asked them to bump up the epi a smidge. Worst request ever. Holy shit, y'all, this monster named Nancy came in to "give me the good shit" and ruined my life. She not only bumped up the epi, also brought a syringe the size of my arm and mainlined it into the epidural catheter. 20 minutes later I am PARALYZED on one side, the other side almost as bad and my right eye starts DROOPING like I'm having a goddamn stroke! It was so terrifying! My mom and husband were looking at me concerned Bc my eye was so bad. The doc wouldn't even come look at me, he told the nurse he thought it was "anxiety" when she told him! 🙄 So then I'm panicking crying Bc I'm just sure I'm stroking out and also paralyzed. Can't moved my right leg AT ALL. One pupil was pinned and the other was dilated. My stomach is so numb I feel like I can't breathe, but I can. Finally the syringe of nightmares wears off enough that my eye is improving and I can somewhat move my leg. They give me a catheter to drain my bladder Bc nurse thinks that will move things along and causing too much cushion between babies head and everything. I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure after that so I ask to be checked. I'm at an 8. Maybe 15 min later I am telling them it's about time Bc I'm grunting through contractions at this point and have the poop feeling and my vagina is about to explode. I remember that feeling. It's time. She checks me again in case I'm lying I guess and tells me I'm at a 10, ready to go! Duh. Lmao. So she gets the doc and I'm grunt growling and whimper crying through my contractions at this point and I'm scared of what's about to happen. They are acting like its a damn emergency to get this baby out immediately even though nothing is wrong. Everyone telling me I have to push and yelling at me for hollering sayin I need to push instead of yell lmao I was just following my body's cues and his head had not come down enough to shove hard yet. I did anyway Bc they were rushing me and got him out in 8 minutes. I growl screamed his head out, felt almost as much as my home birth after all that epidural drama 😂 The doc said his cord was wrapped so he unwrapped it real fast and all was well. Then I growl screamed his body out and immediately I started sobbing with relief and happiness when I felt him come all the way out! I was so glad to be done with it! He held him down there a couple minutes Bc the cord was short and I wanted delayed clamping. Daddy Pants cut the cord and I finally got to hold my BoBo 😍❤️ I kept crying and laughing with relief. I had a minor tear he stitched up after I delivered my placenta. Bo was 6.14lbs and 19 1/2" long. Born on 8-7-17 at 3:34pm. Our 3rd baby will be our last! I don't know why I was so terrified of this birth, Bc I wasn't as scared with my other two! I guess my anxiety is just worse now than it was in my early 20's or maybe it's that I hadn't done it in 6 years and had not so fond memories of it 😂 Bo is perfect and I am so glad his birth really did go WELL, despite my panicking through it like an idiot. 😃 Can't help how you're wired, I guess! ; D