Not sure what to do
Ok, so I married. I've had previous failed relationships, for reasons such as abuse and chronic cheaters. I've been with my husband for 3 years. He is a little older than me and he is not a bad person. He has morals and standards that most people do not have anymore. His work ethic is above and beyond. He's stable, hes nice, hes good looking (not that that is #1 but i'm attracted to him) BUT.....
He was raised without the, lets say, ability to show emotion. His father was a strict military type dad, never said he loved him, showed emotion, was very rough (not abusive), rough as in there was no fun or any kind of joking, laughing, etc. He never heard his dad say he loved him but knew he did. His mom was more loving but still there was no emotion between her and his dad. So he never saw that as normal. His past relationships have failed because they all have cheated on him, looking for that feeling from someone else. Telling him he is emotionless.
I know he has emotion, I know he cares and loves inside. But he never says it, never shows it. NEVER. The only emotions he does show are the negative ones, like anger or dislike.. etc.. Not that he's an angry person. But that's the only types of emotions he shows when he's feeling it.
He never tells me he loves me without me prodding him first(maybe 3 x total by himself). He never tells me I'm pretty or things he likes about me or my body. I'm not sure he even does. He never flirts, laughs, teases or anything like that to make me feel special to him. He doesn't buy gifts for me or much. A potted plant here and there, a card maybe a cake.. no birthday, no christmas, no valentines. (not saying relationships are based on this by any means) I'm not young and stupid. But it would be nice to feel like he's thinking of me every once in a while or anything really.
We do not have the same taste in tv, movies, music, the things a lot of couples do together to have fun.. none of it..
He pays a big percentage of the bills, but I also pay bills. I work part time merchandising but it is full time during parts of the year for a major toy company. I work at home on ebay and etsy selling and making things. I take care of him, the house, my kids, cook, clean and a lot of footwork for his business (little stuff like invoices, money, calling here, there etc). I pay for 95% of the groceries for 4 people, all the pet care needs, internet, cable, dish, credit cards, my etsy, ebay bills, medical and anything and everything there is to pay for for a 15 year old (school, clothes,. medical, food, scouts, extra curricular activities, etc... which can add up quickly) and my daily needs or extra items.. Yet even though I thank him for taking care of us all the time, he cannot do the same for me. I dont need him to daily say something.. But once in a while a "thanks for everything you do" would make me cry.. His comments are basically , all you do is sit and watch tv.. I dont, not until my youngest is in bed and everything is done.
By that time he NEEDS attention. And he gets mad when he doesnt get what he feels he deserves. Ive talked to many times, expressed many time that I need to hear things. Who doesn't really? I feel like a worthless, ugly, fat expense. I think he sees me as a burden. But I'm not sure how.. He had all these bills before I met him, he'd have them if I weren't here plus more..
Im sorry this is so long and if there are any typos. I'm venting. I feel like I really don't expect too much in life.. But I do want to be loved and liked. I want to feel sexy.. When it comes to sex, it's missionary, suck a tit, come, get off. He spends no time on me. He honestly doesn't know what my body looks like because its in the dark.. if i light a candle or small lamp, he goes soft and wont look at me. I'm not gorgeous, i'm not skinny. I've had two kids and years of struggle with weight. But I'm not a bad person.