The Plan

Today I woke up at 8:45 am. Later than I planned. My day started immediately: Prayer, meditation (5 minutes with G-d is about all I have time for these days), breakfast for Jack and then for me. I turned my workout video on and looked at the clock: 9:41. Not sure where the last hour went. I turned the video off, threw on some clothes and brushed my teeth, and then embarked on the morning tradition of wrestling Jack into a fresh diaper and clothes as he screamed. A dirty diaper. Not sure who said it’s different when it’s your own kid. I gagged and almost threw up in his diaper. I sped to my meeting and got there with about 2 minutes to spare. Afterwards, I met with a girl, who is struggling to stay sober, just as I had struggled 9.5 years ago. I went to my last day at my extremely part time job. A friend told me the other day, if what you’re doing isn’t moving you toward your goals, don’t do it. I’m not sure what my goals are, but I realized walking into that toxic place 2 days a week was moving me closer to homicide than to any dream I could think of. Of course the $60/week doesn’t make a big difference but it does fit perfectly into the financial plan. Afterwards, I rushed to my in-law’s to get Jack. He had a fever and a cough. I sat in traffic on the way home and talked to my Grandmother who is in a rest home recovering from a broken pelvis. She fell moving into her beautiful new home. Things really aren’t going as planned these days. I walked into the house, “damn I had planned on taking that trash out today.” I took off my shorts and scrubbed them in the sink. Chemical pregnancy again. Obviously, not part of my plan. Now for another month of ovulation strips, scheduled sex, and peeing on sticks. I threw together some dinner for my husband. A husband, who broke up with me 6.5 years ago because I wasn’t emotionally ready to be in a relationship (that wasn’t part of my plan back then). The struggling girl texted me as I sat on the couch to get my first “me” moment of the day. She needed to come over and talk. This was not part of my plan. Somehow my fingers texted “see you at 7,” although my mind and body certainly weren’t thinking that. I jumped up to throw jack in the bath before she got there because judging by the decibel at which he was screaming and the fact that he had a 30 minute nap all day, I knew it wasn’t happening after she left. I let her sit on my couch and talk as long as she needed and when she left, I looked at my to do list. I scratched out today’s date and rewrote tomorrow’s. Then, another wrestling match to get jack in his nighttime diaper, pj’s, and held him down as I squirted medicine down his throat. I almost got him in bed, then my husband and I spent 20 minutes fidgeting with the cool air humidifier to relieve Jack’s congestion. Why doesn’t this damn thing work the way it’s supposed to? Finally, got him to sleep. Now, off to do the dishes, as planned, but then I looked at that sweet little boy laying there in his crib and I was mesmerized by the beauty and strength that I saw. I just sat and watched this baby boy, who just a little over a year ago was diagnosed with skeletal dysplasia while still in my womb. That was not part of the plan. I watched him sleep for 20 minutes. Afterwards, I looked at the dishes in the sink, and I made a quick plan to do them in the morning. I came in the bedroom, and picked up my husband’s clothes off of the floor next the hamper. Something I usually do plan on doing. His aim is terrible. My husband was fast asleep. I had planned on going over a few things before we went to bed. I got into bed next to that man that I was so broken-hearted over 6.5 years ago. I started to think about my life and I started to wonder, what if this is the plan? What if this is it? 1 child, an exhausted husband, 2 dogs that drive me insane, never figuring out what I want to be when I grow up, an incessantly messy house, and not getting a second to sit down and put my feet up without someone needing me? What if “the plan” doesn’t happen? What if my plan is just a story I’ve written in my head? What if this is as good as it gets? So many questions and I couldn’t help but answer myself… well if this is as good as it gets, this is pretty damn good.