I'm so depressed

I feel like I just can't make him happy sometimes. he's not abusive or anything. he's just happy one minute and it's like I fuck it up. (ldr by the way) I just want him happy. I'm toxic. poison. I wrote that down on paper awhile ago.. writing down to ease these thoughts. .And he actually called me toxic last night. we never fight . ever. But when we do its always my fault. don't suggest therapy. I had it and can't pay for it atm. I feel so worthless. even though I feel worthless I am happy in this relationship. he isn't upsetting me. I'm upsetting me. I just want all these thoughts to stop. I'm not a child anymore. My anger issues are terrible ...I haven't been this bad in years. I hit myself really hard yesterday. probably left a bruise. I used to rip out my hair too. And I love my hair so every time I did I was punishing myself.. I just...it makes my skin crawl. when I'm upset I have to hurt myself. I can't hurt anyone else 80% of the time. I am clean from cutting since 2015. clean from pulling my hair since 2016. scratching my face 5 months . hitting myself yesterday. it's like I can't control it sometimes. I do it without thinking. And I just constantly have more thoughts after.. suicide pops up a lot too. I'm safe though I promise. just I want to be normal. actually. normal.