How to cope

Back in August of 2016 I found out I was pregnant at the age of 22. After telling my boyfriend (dating at that point for a little over a year) he told me he thinks abortion was our best option at that time. We were both college students working minimum wage jobs and had no idea what we were doing. I was also on birth control and very consistent so we were being careful. He told me that if I decided to keep the baby we would make it work somehow, but I could tell deep down what he really thought was best. I struggled with my decision every day. I was molested at a young age and almost raped at 18 years old but luckily was able to get away. Clearly I struggle with metal health issues and although I loved this baby I had a hard time connecting (not sure if that makes sense?) Deep down I knew I wanted to have this baby but really wanted my SO to feel that way too so I just kept waiting for him to change his mind. He NEVER pressured me into anything, simply just was patient with my decision but I just wanted to hear him say it but it never came so I made that appointment. So stupid I know...

The process of getting one was horrible. I was denied at my regular doctors because I was too far along (13 weeks) so they referred me to PP. I went to that particular one a week later and long story short they turned me away there and had to send me to a different one the following week. The next one I went to I was turned away because my veins were too small and it was too risky incase of an emergency. I felt like the world was telling me to have this baby but I just couldn't. Finally I was referred to a hospital and at that point I was 16 weeks (I know...) and it ended up being a 2 day procedure because of how far along I was.

The first day was just dilating me, but the next was when they were going to actually terminate the pregnancy. As I was laying there I instantly knew it was a mistake and was begging in my head for them to stop. I tried to speak up before it was too late but I couldn't find my voice. They had me so drugged at that point for the pain I wasn't able to actually speak so my cries were unheard and I eventually woke up in a bed with so much sadness that has never left.

I will never forgive myself. I'm not trying to discourage any women, your body your choice. Do what is best for you. I just truly needed a place to vent.