Dear James,

I loved you then and I still love you now. I think we will always harbor a part of our hearts for our first love, and for me, that's you.

I can't pinpoint the exact time when I fell in love with you. I met you as a freshman, next to the state and unsure of everyone and everything. But I knew one thing: I needed to get in drama club. I'd always loved theatre, had been in it since I was 4, but you guys showed me a side of theatre I'd never seen before. I was used to goody-goodies who thought they were better then everyone else and always hated whoever got picked for lead (which was usually my best friend, but I didn't blame him). Instead, I found a group of people who treated each other like family, who were cool or dorks somewhere else, but in drama were just equals, who believed in theatre as a way of life and always supported each other. Sure we fought, but don't all families?

I liked Chandler first. He was cute, gave great back massages, and was a senior. But I knew he'd never like me (he had an eye for Anna-Grace) so I let him be.

Then I found you. You worked backstage, acted a bit when you were needed, and overall just joked with everyone in the club. You teased me at first about not being talkative, but once I opened up, we actually became friends. You were a year older than me and we both knew it, but for some reason, around you I felt like an equal.

Emily liked you, anyone with a working pair of eyes could tell. You were her friend, but you never wanted to date her; "she's too innocent, wouldn't want to mess her up". So I kept having hope that one day you'd date me, because I wasn't like Emily.

Could you tell I liked you? I'm sure you could. Everyone in drama knew. They used to tease me about it, but I'd just brush it off and hoped you didn't hear. But then one day you asked me why I used pet names with you (which, for the record, I use with pretty much everything and everything), and I told you I used them with people I liked. So then you asked me if I liked you, and I knew what you were really asking, but I still said yes.

You stopped talking to me for several months after that. It was off-season from drama, so technically you had no reason to see me, but that hadn't stopped you before. Then I saw you with Michaela (who I hated before but then really despised) and I heard you two were dating. You started talking to me again, but you referenced your girlfriend and I couldn't handle it. I tried to pretend it wasn't bothering me, but it was. I loved you, and you knew it.

So I kept on loving you, for 4 years to be exact, even when I thought you had a girlfriend. You graduated and my heart broke, then went on to basic training and my heart broke even more. We started talking after you graduated from BCT, where you admitted the girl you dated after Michaela had broken up with you, and then you came for a surprise visit. I could hardly believe it! I ran over to hug you and then we kept talking until my band director called me over for practice. You walked me to practice with your arm around me, then sat and waited while we practiced. When we were done, you came out to the parking lot with me and we leaned against our cars and talked for a long time.

Then, you kissed me, something I'd wanted you to do for years.

But I got spooked. I knew you were going off for more training and I'd just broken up with Harrison, so I was in position to feel what I was feeling then. I knew I loved you, but I couldn't handle it. It scared me, so I took off.

I regret leaving that day. Things would have been so much better if I'd have stayed and told you the truth and let you kiss me again. I'm sorry I did that, but I'm not sorry to say that even after all these years and all this time spent apart, I still love you.

And I always will.