It’s been about 3 months...

On may 17th around 3 PM I got a surgical abortion and I haven’t been the same since. I got my period the following month and every month since, they’re off though. I’ve had light bleeding between my last period and this months period which I’ve never experienced before, I keep thinking about how upset but happy I am that i don’t remember anything that happened that day, and I have at least two or three dreams a week of me still carrying. I’m honestly extremely depressed still and feel like a horrible person, how do I cope with this? I wanted to keep him/her so bad but my fiancé and I just didn’t have the financial means to do so. I catch myself looking at the ultrasound picture my fiancé has from the first visit and replay the heart beat in my head as if I just heard it. I keep wondering whether it would have been a boy or girl and it’s killing me. Maybe I’m crazy for being so down about it still but I can’t take it. I have to put in a front too, my family doesn’t know I was even pregnant in the first place & my fiancé and I are trying to focus on college. How Can I focus when I’m so torn down and broken hearted? I want my baby back.