Hi guys, this is a LONG post but I'm naturally a writer

First off thanks for taking the time to read through my post - I'll try and be quick and clear on my problem.

So a little back story - my bf and I met online in 2015 as hobby landscape photographers. He had been with the same woman for approx 11 years and married for 4ish. I messaged him and found out he had a wife so backed off. I understood he had a partner so oh well for me. It didn't take long for me to hear back from him saying that he has not been happy in his relationship for years and has never had the balls to do anything about it. He asked if I was okay with him being legally married but not together, I didn't like that.

He moved out of his house he shared with his wife the following month.

We undoubtedly shacked up soon after and everything was blissful and I fell in love the hardest I had ever loved before (him 35 and me 25) and I genuinely felt all the love back. He was great- loving- funny- supportive-etc.

During this blissful couple months I would of taken a bullet for this man and I thought he'd take a bullet for me. Our trust and our love and or sex life was amazing. My friends and family commented on how I "glowed".

Soon after my boyfriend decided he wanted to try other forms of photography like portraits and people. I was behind him 100% of course! Until he started to show me boudoir and nude photos he wanted to do. I was extremely iffy about it but I had 0 reason to distrust him and I remember saying that I trust him to be professional and if he wanted to try then do it!

The first couple sessions he had with a dancer went O-K ... they became very close friends and I later found out that she blocked me on social media and I found that odd. He was also texting on his phone A LOT especially when he went out for smoke breaks and in the shower after work he would stay in the locked bathroom for a long amount of time. I'd be downstairs and he'd snap me sexy selfies - ok awesome totally in love and trusting ❤️

Over the month his recognition from his photography grew and grew and we were having financial and family issues. Still loving as ever though. So about 4-5 months into our relationship he started acting weird and brought us to get our genitals pierced - he paid. A couple weeks after there was a period of 4 days where he doted on me so hard and was trying to make up for every little thing and tell me he wants our graves side by side in 75 years and try to drill it in my head he loves me more than life itself and that he'd make up for any mistakes that comes up.

4 days later he admits he cheated on me. The one thing I told him not to do when we first hooked up since I've been cheated on in the past. I vomited. I couldn't breathe. My legs fell out from under me. I couldn't even slap him. He tried to hold me tight and say he's sorry blah blah blah - he told me with who - oh a another local female hobby photographer. I hit her up the next day asking for details and she gave me every detail. She had said they fucked twice over a three week span and sexted all day everyday no protection and he was sloppy they had oral sex and she was falling in love with him. She said he talked horribly about me and mainly said things weren't working out between him and I (news to me!!) to get into her pants.

She was so upset that he lied to her and cheated on her with me (LOL RIGHT?) and she thought that she was pregnant with his baby.

She threatened him behind the scenes to call him out and ruin his photography business and I said go ahead and do it I don't care - ruin him!

He wanted to kill her. He'd stay up at night and eventually got violent because her and I were making his life hell for him (LOL HE COULDNT HANDLE THE CONSEQUENCES) he'd tell me he thought about killing her and his baby that I was his queen and only my babies he'd love.

Turns out she wasn't pregnant but he got violent towards me and pushed me down the stairs - I tried to leave many times but he'd threaten to Jill himself (took 30 pills right in front of me) I had to shove my fingers down his throat to make him throw up - on my carpet. I didn't want to be responsible for a man killing himself. I hated him.

I stayed to prevent myself from angering him - the violence subsided and we went on vacation. We were becoming friends again but I couldn't stop fearing him and thinking of him cheating. The woman went away and never returned but obviously told people about his scum personality and his business rep took a hit which he blamed on me.

6 months after he got back into photography and I found him messaging and flirting with his clients and then lying about it.

He takes fitness and glamour pics I said ok as long as you don't flirt and put an end to that shit.

Everything good for awhile until he starts becoming friends and good friends with these girls and doing racier and racier images and flirting online in my face - I pull back in the relationship try to distant myself from feeling anything toward him. Resentment right away.

Fast forward through the year and I deal with my jealousy and panic attack over new clients and discover new lies with this man all while he's saying he's doing everything he can to build a future together. Violence has never happened since but our sex life sucks the paranoia and seeing him have more fun with his fitness clients then with me is definitely a mood and libido killer. Plus I still can't go down on him without thinking of him cheating on me.

I stay because we work well in other aspects and have lots in common - but the cheating and lies and intimate parts have severely damaged how I view him and I'm starting to hate his photography and I hold resentment to him. I told him this and he said he'd always pick his photography over me and that he will not give up his dreams and then I felt so guilty that I was "asking" him of this. He got it twisted. I'm just uncomfortable with the women and we compromised with no boudoir and no nudity - then guess what he's been doing and hiding? I found a secret account with his latest client (who he flirts with on social media and yes he has me blocked off social media because I'm a constant headache when I get jealous - his words) well I found topless photos no nipple tho just covered and a ton of ass shots after we agreed none of that.

My therapist says these photos trigger the lies and deceit from earlier and it's up to me to stay or go.

So ultimately I told my bf today that I loved him but I can't just "get over" the insecurity and jealousy over the photography and I question the nature of the photoshoots when your alone with a half naked woman for all day (he does all day adventure photoshoot packages) and they change in their cars in the middle of nowhere?

My question is how would you tell him if he was your bf you love him but you can't be with him because he won't stop taking photos of a nature that triggers painful psychological emotional and physical pain?

Photo is of his latest work 😒