TRIGGER WARNING: abuse and sexual assault ❌❌❌ I been reading a ton of stories on here lately about people who are/have suffered abuse and are struggling to trust people again.

Let me tell ya'll, I had a rough childhood which probably a good chunk of people do. My parents separated when I was 4, I was supposed to live with my mother but my father kidnapped my sister and I and threatened my mom with hurting her family if she went to the police. my mom was very naive so she basically didn't say anything.

I was told by my father and his family that my mom was dead. so I grew up thinking I didnt have a mom. until I found out on accident that my mom was alive but in a different country. she then was allowed to visit us. she would come on the weekends twice a year. that is the reason for my separation anxiety, I would think that "what if something really happened to her and I would lose her." I dont trust his family till this day. And I absolutely love and appreciate my mother to pieces, which I lived with after age 10. she had remarried, to my stepdad at that point and was very rough on my sister and I. we clashed with him a lot. my parents (mom and stepdad) are both very old school so I wasn't allowed to date. ever. (I am now 21 and my parents still feel weird with me dating) so from that I encountered a lot of abuse from boys I dated because I thought it was "normal" most of my romantic relationships have been abusive (not physically) but emotionally abusive and just straight up wrong. and that's all Ive ever known. to the point where I couldn't go to them for help when this stuff was happening to me, most of my family lives outside of the country so Ive never really had an adult I trust or talk to. My family has the basic catholic people values" (virgin till marriage, no birth control, having sexual thoughts is wrong etc) So I was always shamed by my parents for wanting love from the opposite gender or just love in general. so Ive always felt super uncomfortable about expressing my feelings for another person. but I tried.

my most traumatic experience was my longterm ex. we were together for about 2 years. He appeared supportive, and caring, until I didnt do what he wanted. he was always in it for the sex. I was in denial back then because I was so in love with him. until I was sexually assaulted and he tried to play his cards. but still his colors bled right through. He constantly blew my off with my trust issues. the day I realized he didnt trully care about me was when we tried to take a small vacation to try and get my mind of things and the first thing he asked was when did my doctor said I was allowed to have sex again. THIS WAS 2 weeks after I had been sexually assaulted. we tried having sex, but I just couldnt stop having flashbacks, and he felt that I was being unfair towards him so he tried to continue to have sex with me and ignore my crying. we broke up immediately after.

So, with childhood issues feeling like I couldn't trust anyone, I had nobody to go to, and I managed to make some friends. worst Idea ever. they absolutely spread awful rumors about me because they felt I got something they deserved. (stupid ass award) to the point I had to be moved buildings. I went into a deep depression after this. I felt as if there was trully no hope for me. everyone I knew tried to hurt me in some way.

but Its been now 3 years since I was sexually assaulted, I no longer live with my parents and the "friends" who spread rumors about me are all in jail for different stuff. I met the most beautiful human being on the planet who I am so absolutely comfortable with. we have only been together for 10 months, but already adopted a cat and are we are moving into our new home tomorrow morning. all Im saying is please stay hopeful. I know in the moment it feels all so heavy, and that its too much but nothing lasts forever. time heals all. and karma doesn't forget. ALSO if you have kids PlEASE PLEASE dont shame them for having certain feelings! please talk to them and help them understand. either way, If someone would have said to me that in the future I would meet someone who absolutely made life beautiful. I would have believed it. I also have made good friends!