Over a year ago I started obsessing over calories. If I exceeded 200 calories I started crying and feeling a huge sense of regret. I became fickle about what I ate and at what time. I tried vomiting a couple of times but my body would t allow me to. I have nightmares about purging on pizza. I'd wake up in distress worried I ruined my routine. I guess I never really had a healthy relationship with food. As a preteen I was homeschooled online, I'd over eat so I could postpone taking a class. People would tease me saying how fat I was and my mother would poke at my stomach. My aunt said my pictures should be motivation for me to lose weight. I used to be very thin as a child and a dedicated classical ballet dancer. When I gained a lot of weight as a preteen I went back to ballet and lost a lot of weight. I felt self conscious poking and tugging at my rolls. In high school I was at a normal weight but I started getting triggered by calories, movies, and my family. I drink massive amounts of diet sodas. I usually just eat a serving size of chips a day. When I binge eat I'll typically not eat the next day. For a while I thought I was getting better not focusing as much on my weight. But it's the only thing in my life I can control. My mother is having an affair, my father is hardly in my life, my friends are fake, and my love life involves friends with benefits. I feel ugly. Lately I've been getting triggered again except this time it isn't as hard for me to not eat for a day every other day. I don't even think of myself as feeling hungry. My periods have gotten lighter. My hair falls out. All I think about is being my old delicate ballerina self. Yet at the same time it isn't how thin I am. I get scared eating In front of anyone and i prefer to watch people eat instead. I haven't really told anyone my problems. I've just now excepted the fact a few months ago I was raped. My mother thinks I'm just keeping my girlish figure. I'm worried because I'm starting college next week out of state and away from family. Will this get out of hand? I think I have a problem but I'm not sure. What should I do? What is wrong with me?