Seeking any wisdom

I'm just going to lay it all out there because I need to tell someone what has been going on in my heart.

I've been living like a Christian for years because my parents raised me that way. I thought that it was what I wanted too so I made it my faith too. But I have a really high sex drive and I didn't feel able to talk about it with my parents, so when I discovered that touching myself felt good, I thought it was a sin. I spent 7, nearly 8, years refusing to masturbate because I thought it was wrong. I spent all those years trying to be as sinless as possible because I was afraid I wouldn't get into heaven. I know that isn't a proper understanding of the Christian beliefs but it's how I felt. So along comes prince charming and I am determined that our relationship will be a pure one. I wouldn't lay down on the floor with him to watch movies. Our kisses were long but nothing exciting. We held hands. But then I asked him to touch my breasts. And then we started to lay down on a bed to kiss. So once we got engaged, things heated up more. He saw down my pants. I saw his penis. We touched each other intimately. It was him who showed me how to get an orgasm. I'd never had one before. Finally we tried sex. Now throughout this time, I was plagued with guilt. But not guilt from an all powerful God. It was self induced guilt. I was so anxious because I wasn't acting perfectly that I cried every single time we did more than kiss. Yet I longed for his touch. So we didn't continue with sex. Instead we masturbate in front of each other and each of us have an orgasm. After all of this, I've stopped crying. I feel like I'm finally being true to myself. All that time I was looking for freedom, talking with therapists about anxiety and depression, but I didn't feel free until now..

I think that's because of a few things. For starters, I gathered up the courage to leave my parents home. I'd been clashing with them for years so it was time. My siblings believe that our childhood home was a toxic one. One of them copes with their anxiety about our parents by having a severe eating disorder. The other one moved a four day's drive away and then came out as homosexual.

I feel like getting away from my parents and the way they instilled Christianity is a healthy thing, but I'm nervous about going too far the other way as well. I still believe that God exists and I don't want to go to hell because of how sexual I've been before marriage.

I am terrified that the reason I feel free and peaceful for the first time in my life is because I've been seduced by the pleasures of this life and am now walking a path to destruction. Does the freedom to masturbate and have sex with my fiance mean that I am blind to the evil it is? Because it honestly just feels like I finally found myself.

I have been so confused by my upbringing. Not just the fact that it was religious, but the fact that all of us children are not happy with our parents... children shouldn't feel like their parents are people they have to escape. Mine love me like crazy but I am torn up about them.

What are your thoughts? Can you help me be less confused about the truth?