........................................................................................................................my first attempt of suicide was at 12 years old. when I first thought about it I was 8. when I first self harmed by ripping my hair I was 10, and 13 when someone introduced me into cutting to take away my "pain" unhealthy 4 year addiction. when I was 13 was my second attempt and hospitalized. when I was 14 it was my 3,4,5,6th attempt and hospitalized again. at 15 i just let myself get depressed and just act strong ...it worked. I got "better" And then everything began to fall apart again. 16 i broke my 1 year clean from cutting. I hid pills in a cabinet *Trigger warning*

In a small baggie 30 pills laid inside: 10 sleeping pills 10 pain killers 10 unknown pills. but I somehow got the strength to throw them away I was no where near happy but I didn't want it. at 17 i was still shit...since 8..same feelings. still suicidal. made myself a terrible promise "kill yourself at 18 if you don't get a boyfriend by then" at 12 years old. it's stupid thing to die over...but I thought I couldn't be loved. (past with abuse) since 12 I've had a plan and kept it to myself until now. i last stopped planning at 17. I'm now 18 yep. I made it. everyday is a struggle ...I still have thoughts but I'm stronger now. been clean for 3 years and have a happy wonderful relationship with my boyfriend (together for a year) .

just because I had a sad past doesn't mean I have to have a sad future. I'm no where near perfect but fucking hell I'm awesome. fuck you depression, pdsd, abusers, anxiety, fakes. Its okay to not be okay. I'm lovable. I'm worth it. just like everyone else my existence matters!!! ............................................................UPDATE: thank you for your kind words they really do mean a lot to me. I was nervous of sharing and being judged so I posted anonymous but now I think I can do without.. To anyone struggling right now...I'm so proud of you for being so strong! Continue being yourself because you're amazing just the way you're!! you're worth it and your life matters!