Just to ease the disappointment

So, I have been TTC for the last year and recently I've tried to back off from the apps and coming on and seeing everyone who's pregnant ( no hate ), getting my hopes up and then AF comes. So now, every month I wait for AF instead of a BFP cause I guess it hurts less? In a way of hoping for the best & expecting the worst. My hopes don't get all the way up and then come crashing down when I get a negative. So this way, I'll be expecting AF & the one time I do miss my period cause I fall pregnant, it will be that much more exciting. 💚 Idk if I explained this right lol but I hope you get what I mean.