And I asked you if I could have sex with other people. You stopped looking at me with desire the minute after we were married. So, I slept with four other guys because you said it was okay the first time. I told you about the first two. I didn't tell you about two others. I did it because you stopped having sex with me. The years you stopped loving on me, I gained 45 pounds feeling unattractive and sorry for myself. Then I had sex with other guys just because they told me I was attractive. You couldn't tell me that. It broke so much in me. I was self harming, I know that's bad. I just didn't know what to do with myself. You didn't cum for me in two years. I begged for sex. Even still you never initiate it. I'm not sure how I feel towards you. I love you, but I don't feel in love with you because I'm holding on to the years. I'm trying not to. I know marriages have ebbs and flows, highs and lows. We are on an upswing. I know sometimes I feel like I love you so much. But our passion isn't there. I still don't believe you're attracted to me. I just want to feel good about myself. I want to feel like you desire me. Or if you don't, tell me you've given up. I know we both haven't given up. So for all that I love you. I want us to fall back in love again, but I'm not sure how.

Update:

Agree with the user who said you shouldn't rely on someone else for self worth. I admitted it was a shameful time in my life.

I'm happy my partner and I are open minded when it comes to sex. Having him allowing me other to explore only makes me love him even more. He's my partner for life, and we both know the path won't always be perfect.

Right now we have been like we were before, sex is picking up, we spend our weekends doing things we love together... we started doing game nights with friends.

To the comment that is struggling similarly, I hope you can find activities you can do together to hold you through the tough times.

I don't know if I would have made it without cuddles and hanging out as friends... I can't speak for everyone, but there's a reason I got married. It wasn't to give up when it was difficult. Everyone in a long term relationship will have a different struggle. For me being very sexual, he knew what he was getting into. I know I need to get creative, too - about my self expression. And, of course it also depends on your partner, if they are willing to get creative, too. Maybe not extra marital sex as a choice for just anyone and I can see how it's playing with fire, maybe just finding a new hobby together.

Thanks for the comments, I love this community. ❤️