Overwhelmed.

I really just need to get it all out. And I just feel like I have no one I truly want to say it to. No one I can talk to without judgement.

I feel so lost. Overwhelmed. Sad.

The last year has been so overwhelming. We’ve moved across the country twice. Restarting my career for his. Making sure I do everything so he can settle in comfortably. I’ve been his rock through all of his anxiety and depression. I’ve worked my full time job, then part time jobs for extra money. I’ve taken care of the house and our family. Just since January I’ve gone through severe health issues, pregnancy, loss, more health issues, two surgeries, and now I’m just at a loss. I dont know what to do or who I am at this point. I feel broken and worthless and just fucking really sad. And yet, I’ve tried so hard to keep this in. To still be the happy-go-lucky person I’ve always been. To be strong and together.

But today he tells me he’s disappointed in me. And I should be disappointed in myself. Does he really not think I am? He doesn’t know that I feel like a failure? That I’m not where I thought I’d be by now?

Today was a day like no other. Everything just came crashing down as I finally hit my breaking point. Literally had to use my inhaler just to catch my breath. And now, now he can’t even sleep in the bed with me. Because I finally showed how broken I truly feel.

I feel like throwing up. A part of me wants to just run away- disappear. But of course I know that’s drastic. It’s desperate. It’s wanting someone to notice that I’m in pain.

I fucking hate today.