overwhelmed

how do i get my 5 year old to listen and calm down a bit without demon yelling at her or spanking? i dont want to make her scared of me. ut i am so frustrated. her dad is no helo he encourages her to be loud and obnoxious and has no rules at her house so i am always the bad guy. ive tried spanking her bum, doesnt work. yelling like a banchee is the only thing she responds to.. 😕 i need help