My boyfriend and I have been TTC for about two years now. I have had one miscarriage with him, two possible miscarriages, and then one miscarriage from a rape when I was 16. through all of this I have held my head high and had high hopes for the future. We've been looking at adoption more closely too, but that won't happen for a few years since I am almost 20 now, and to foster you need to at least be 21.

Cut to now, my 19 year old cousin is pregnant, and farther along than I ever got to be with any of my others. As far as I know, she is also on drugs and stuff still.

I am so happy for her, but at the same time so angry. How is it so easy for some people to have children while the rest of us have to spend hundreds to thousands of dollars to get pregnant? And the pregnancy might not even be viable, or we could lose it. I hate myself for thinking like this. It's not like I'll hate the baby, I just hate the situation. And if she tests positive for drugs, it would be taken from her, but since my family is so fertile, she'll just make another while I still have to keep trying.

With this last possible miscarriage, I already was telling my boyfriend that I was done, yet shopping for my cousin is giving me "baby fever". I just don't know what to do at this point.