Ok let me start by saying I have alot of emotional baggage.. I've never met my father and my mother has been on and off drugs my entire life. I was raised by my grandmother.

With that being said during college I needed money so I started fucking this older guy who would help me pay for school stuff and things I wanted.. After taking money from he four or five times I started to like him so I stopped taking his $$ and just spent time with him because I wanted to. I pursued him for something more serious and so we started to seriously date. 2 years later when I graduated college I moved in with him. It was good but the domestic life was more than I was ready for but at that point I was so in love with him, so I stuck with it. He was my rock and shelter from the storm. He was there for me while I finished school, dealt with family drama and figured out how to be a functioning adult.. I'm still not completely there but I'm trying.

He is 30 years older than me and has a daughter 5 years older than me and twin granddaughters. His family accepts me, I'm invited to everything his granddaughters are fond of me and his daughter just wants him to be happy and she sees that with me he is, so she has come around.

Anyway, we argued a lot. Mostly due to him not feeling that I open up to him enough. And me being so stressed out worrying about the future. I love him so much, but I have so much baggage from my family that I need to work through so I'm always in my head. I do share those things with him, I just feel like there is no resolution so I don't want to overwhelm him with my emotions all the time.

The arguing has caused so much tension that I moved out. We have been apart for 2 months but I still see and talk to him all the time. During the 2 months I have seen other people but none of them compare to him, at all. I've also.been going to therapy and started working out.

I know I want babies and I want them with him. We have talked about it and he's down but I am so scared of raising my children without a father. I know how that feels to not have a Dad and I don't want my kids to have to go through what I did.

So basically my question is should I allow myself to be unconditional loved and start a family with this man, kowning that he will most likely die before me? Or should I give up on us and work on myself, and think about a family later?

I am so confused and scared.

Please help me.