Help!! I promised myself I wouldn't!

So I've been ttc for over a year. Three months ago at my year mark I broke down. All three of my best friends recently told me they were pregnant and one was with her second and she told me she wasn't ready and it was a huge accident. I couldn't take it anymore. The sadness, the worry that my body is messed up, the failure, the emptiness. I could go on and on. So I threw away all my ovulation tests, stopped using this app, and tried so hard to forget about getting pregnant. We had to move shortly after and my hubby and I were separated for three weeks. I thought good! No way I'm pregnant so no worries that month. It was nice not worrying. I promised myself I wouldn't worrying. I wouldn't think. I wouldn't track. But of course we would continue doing the deed when we felt like it, but no pressure! Well, funny enough when I took all the pressure away my husband wanted it all the time. So did I! We ended up doing it almost every single day. More than when we were actively trying. But I promised myself I would not track I would not look to see where in my cycle I am. Well, two days ago I saw tiny spots of pink in my panties. I brushed it off. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. Later that day those spots were brown. So then I thought maybe it really was blood and it dried. I still brushed it off. The next day my boobs ached. They really hurt. I said to myself again and again that it is normal before my period and I'm sure it will come soon. I've been cranky which is also normal. I keep telling myself no it is just random spotting not implantation bleeding. It is period boob soreness not pregnancy boob soreness. I tell myself this over and over. Even though I looked. I finally looked at a calendar and the pink spots was on the right day for implantation. The sore boobs are on track to be from pregnancy. The crankiness could be from raising hcg. But I cant! I just can't get my hopes up. Because if I feel pregnant and my period comes I will be devastated. I will break down. I can handle my period as long as I don't feel hope. But as soon as hope sneaks in I become obsessed. I pay attention to every sign my body has to tell me and then AF comes and I cry, I weep, I pray and ask why? Why not yet! What am I doing wrong God? But right now.... right now I have hope and I crave for my boobs to hurt even more and I want to feel morning sickness and I want AF to never show her face and that scares me. It scares me so bad. Because if I have hope and it gets crushed. What's next? How long can I continue this cycle? So what I'm asking you ladies to do for me is keep commenting on here for the next week and tell me I'm imagining it all. Tell me not to think about it or worry. Tell me there is no way. Don't give me hope. I can handle no hope. I simply don't know what else to do.