I had two first trimester missed miscarriages last year, one at 8.5 and one at 10.5 weeks. Now I'm 18 weeks along and going to have my anatomy scan in a couple hours. My last ultrasound was a few weeks ago and I'm terrified. Everything has been going along just fine so far and all the tests have had great results. I'm 40 so have had genetic testing done and anything they could test for so far.

I feel like I may have felt a few flutters which might be the baby moving around, but nothing obvious yet.

I try not to, but I can't help but have read about women having 2nd and 3rd trimester miscarriages and stillbirths and I can't get it out of my head that he might be gone. The thought pops in my head everyday.

I hate when people basically warn me to think positively or it could effect the outcome, as if I actually have any control over it.

If I feel this worried at 18 weeks, I'm afraid I'm just going to be a nervous wreck the further along I get. I still don't even feel like I can let myself truly be happy about the pregnancy or look forward to having a healthy baby. So much could go wrong and it all just freaks me out. Praying for more good results today. I've been awake for hours, which doesn't help my state of mind. I'll go meditate for the last hour before I have to get up or something (more likely just ruminate). Thanks for reading 😬