Grass wasn't greener on the other side. Miss my ex-husband😢

I'm bawling my eyes out as I type this. I've been holding this is in for so long..

I had a meeting with my lawyer today and signed the divorce papers after two years. I can't believe I did this, I wish I could go back in time.

Here we go.. If I can even finish.

My marriage was so stale for the longest time, I wasn't feeling it anymore and I could tell my husband felt the same or maybe just too comfortable, I don't know.

We started dating when I was 16 I'm now 23 and he's 24. I loved him dearly, he pretty much saved me from ever commuting suicide. He saved me from a broken home, abusive mother, shitty life in general. I didn't know how someone so special fell in my lap at the perfect time, I was so in love and just all goo goo for once in my life. Growing up I honestly had it rough but that's a whole other story.

Throughout our relationship we had a lot of issues because of his mother. She was legit the most manipulative person I'll ever know. He was indeed a mamas boy so that made it worse? I don't know.

She was so toxic, she hated me for no reason. I never disrespected her even after she was the biggest snake towards me. She would do things and get mad at me for not forgiving her lol. Let me just sum this up. She would go on good ol Facebook and say she hated me and wanted to punch my teeth down my throat.. Shit like that. My husband never, not once stood up for me even when she would do things like this. He said he didn't know how or didn't want to get in the middle of it. Um hello I'm your wife and didn't do anything to deserve this. I started feeling resentment towards him for never having my back. He was legit the only person I had since I didn't have family or friends.

During this time we actually got pregnant, really unexpectedly, like total shocker. I had always wanted to have kids even when I had just met him i knew I wanted to have his babies. I wanted to raise my own family and give what I never had. Welp, he told me to have an abortion. I was in shock honestly. I was scared, I didn't have anyone else, I was in cosmo school and he made it seem like we really shouldn't have a baby at the moment. He told me once I finish school and once we buy our house in a different town then we could actually try to have one. I went through with it. I don't know how. I don't remember what I was even thinking or how I felt. I'm kinda glad I don't remember though.

I feel like he didn't think we'd last because all the issues we had with his mom. It really made us have problems and we started to kinda drift away. Having the abortion really fucked me up afterwards. I would constantly cry and he didn't understand so I didn't have him as emotional support and that broke my heart. I felt defeated.

Fast forward, I had finished school, we had bought our house we were in a good place financially. He had his own business and worked from home.

I was totally expecting to have a baby at that time. It was perfect timing. But he didn't want to, he was always making excuses. Shit was still bad with his mom and he even told me if I make things right with her that he would promise me a baby. I swallowed allllll my pride and made it right for the sake of my husband. After that, still made excuses. Why the hell didn't he want to start a family!!! He made me feel like I wasn't worthy. Especially after the abortion, I always felt like I wasn't good enough or something.

Nothing happened for a year. He didn't want a family, he didn't want me to work, he didn't want to hangout with me, he would get annoyed if I went and visited him in his office. He started pushing me away. I would go to the store and just look around because he would never go with me and call me and say stupid things like who am I fucking and nasty things like that. He was so insecure but then wouldn't wanna do anything with me. Eating out we'd have to get drive thru or to go because he didn't like being places.

I hated doing things alone. I started to feel alone. I started to feel like he was more my dad than husband. I was so lost at that point.

Fast forward a little more. I made a group of friends. He HATED that I had friends but I was going insane not doing anything. He would never want to join or even meet them.

And I met this guy that was a mutual friend.

I naturally craved his attention because he was so nice and interested in me. Made me feel good. Let me first day that my husband and I would go weeks even months without sex. I started to fantasize like a bad girl 😕

The sexual tension built up for the longest time and one day.. I met up with him and we kissed.

After that, I was so disconnected from my husband. The more me and the guy saw each other the more intense it got. Looking back I wish I woulda slapped myself in the face, because at the time I don't remember ever feeling guilty.

All this made my marriage worse. We were roommates and I hated going home. It got to the point where his words didn't bother me anymore. Calling me a bitch etc didn't make me sad anymore. After one huge argument I talked about finding my own place. He would say good luck with that because he didn't think I was capable of taking care of myself. He tried scaring me.

Well I moved out and the guy offered to move in as a roommate to help financially. But we both knew what it was. And we did. Things with him quickly got bad. I started feeling and thinking in my head " WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING" "GO BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND STUPID!"

I kept thinking I was scaring myself so the stubborn me was like "no bitch this is what you wanted"

I ended up sticking it out. I felt like I needed to live outside of what I was in. I felt trapped in my marriage so I was rebelling I guess. During this whole situation my husband was an ass to me. To be expected though. He had no idea what I was doing I just left and didn't tell him anything.

I wish I would've gone back 😭

I always wanted to go back to my husband but I felt like I couldn't because now I felt trapped with this side dude. He was kind of obsessed with me and I just didn't know how to leave. I've even gotten distant with him because I miss my husband so bad. When I have my alone time I think about him and our memories and I just bawl my eyes out. I feel so stupid for letting temptation get the best of me. Looking back I wish I would've talked more to my husband about our problems but I went a different route instead.

Here's the other fucked up thing. I know in my heart 100% that if I wasn't with my boyfriend, I would be with my husband. I can't now, I'm pregnant. How could I ever go back having someone else's baby.

He would never forgive it. I could never have another abortion so I'm having a baby with the side dude. We've now been together for almost two years and baby on the way.

I cry all the time. I'm sad. I hate myself. I fantasize having this baby with my husband 😭

I can't even right now.

I'm so lost. I'm so broken. I have my suicide thoughts again. I have nobody to talk to so I thought I'd share on here. I look at baby stuff and literally cry because I wish it was with my husband. We were supposed to do this. We were supposed to have a baby together but he never wanted it.

It took so long to get divorced because I couldn't do it. I would ignore my lawyer because I didn't want to get divorced. But now after two years.. I signed. I could barely drive home from crying I had to pull over. I still don't.

This is definitely my punishment. My karma. What I'm feeling is probably what I deserve. Why couldn't I try harder to fix things with my soul mate. Why😭

I'm happy about my baby and grateful after the first pregnancy, I just wish it was done differently. Luckily my boyfriend is really nice and treats me good. Has never verbally abused me or anything. And I know this is unfair to him just like how it was unfair to my husband having feelings for someone else.

I just love and miss my husband. I feel like I need to express that to my boyfriend. I hold it in and he doesn't know why I'm so blah sometimes but that's why.

I feel like some of you on here will totally judge me. But until you're in the situation, you'll never know.

There's a lot of things missing. No way I could type out years and years of feelings and situations.

Anyway, I'm broken.