I hate myself. I totally hate who I am. Here’s why.

I am so jealous of my friends it is sick. My friend is just starting to talk to a very cute boy, and no matter how hard I try to be happy for her, I am totally jealous and wish it would happened to me instead of her.

My whole life (I’m only seventeen) I have strived to be the best of the best and be the first person to do things before my friends. I have strived to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest. I dont know why it is so important to me that I am the best. I will never be the best because I am the worst, and honestly, my friends deserve so much better because I am not a good friend on the inside. I am not a true friend. Sure I’ll smile and pretend like I care, but really, on the inside I feel my heart sinking.

It’s not that I wish bad things on my friends. It’s just that I wish good things will never happen to them before good things happen to me. I am jealous of them in so many ways and insecure about myself in so many ways I just don’t know what to do. I want to be a better friend - I know I’m not a monster and deep down I know I’m not a bad person. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Any advice/comments would be appreciated.