I am 20 and in nursing school.

Long story short, I was raped and abused 13 to 16. I repprted him at 16 and had to go through court trials and still didn't get justice, because there was no proof, even though my rapist pled guilty. In fact, his defense lawyer was raped at gunpoint.

I now have mafor depression, PTSD, and anxiety.

I am very hard on myself and it gets the best of my most times.

For example, I am taking 2 other classes right now.

I studied my ass off for this exam and still failed it.

I know it is 100% my fault and I understand that. I didn't study as much as I could've and that is what is killing me. My therapist is in Colorado until Thursday and I don't feel very comfortable speaking to any other one.

I think I might have bipolar depression to be honest, or at least a mix.

I have amazing friends and everything, and there are days that are mediocre, and that's good enough for me. But certain things make my mood drop so fast.

For example, I live in an apartment suite that is $650 per month. If you lock yourself out of your room it is a $20 fee. I left my keys inside my room and shut my door and had to pay $20 to have my door ublocked by a resident assistant. This made my mood very low, slightly suicidal. My boyfriend cheated on me, this did not make me suicidal, but it sure dropped my mood low. I got a 61% on my exam. I immediately had suicidal thoughts and thoughts of cutting again. I am 18 months clean from cutting, so that is what is stopping me from cutting again. I also overdosed January 2016 after the trial got dissmissed (by my lawyer) and my grandma died and landed in the ICU for 16 days, barley making it.

A month ago my boyfriend cheated on me and I broke up with him, 3 weeks ago my very close grandmother passed away, and now my dog has a cancerous tumor and only has 2 months to live. I guess that could be adding to my stress as well.

Something that has made me happier lately is going blonde. I am a very dark blonde, and just am transitioning to blonde.

I am finally treating myself to special things and it feels wonderful.

I have 20k saved up for college and am finally letting myself spend some on little things, as on getting my hair done, buying that dress, or just taking a hot shower for 5 minutes longer. I'm going to be in debt anyways, so is it okay to spend some of my money on myself to get me through these tough times..?

Anyways, do you think it would be a good idea to go to the doctor and see if they think I should get on a different antidepressant?

I am on 40mg Citalopram and nothing else right now, never was on anything else. I also got Nexplanon in April, so could that be messing with my mood?

What would you do?

Thanks much ❤