Am I a bad friend?

Question

Looong backstory.

My best friend has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for almost 5 years now.

At first, he was a decent guy. But that's because he was on his best behaviour as we soon found out.

He's a raging alcoholic. He cannot function without vodka somewhere on his person.

He has done a great job of hiding it, until he moved in with my best friend. He is extremely possessive and controlling, and get explosively mad when provoked. She works early in the morning, in another city and takes a few busses to get there, so she goes to bed really early. He doesn't like that, so he steals the pillow and blankets off the bed so she can't sleep. If she is in the bathroom, he will kick open the door so she has no privacy.

He wasn't invited to my wedding because he gets over the top drunk and makes a HUGE scene.

We have talked for long hours about their relationship and she knows she needs to dump him, but she isn't a strong person (and will admit it) and just hasn't done it yet.

I am recently pregnant, and my best friend is very excited to be an "aunt" (I've known her for 19 years so she's basically my sister)

She made a comment about being excited to babysit... And I couldn't help but say "sure. But not if he's in the picture"

I know it was a bitchy move, but I do not trust him around my child.

Am I wrong here?

I wish I could include all the things he has done to make me feel this way, but we would be here for a while.

Answer

You're not wrong for feeling like you can't trust him around your child. As a parent,  it's your prerogative to decide who does and doesn't have access to your child for myriad reasons. 
About your friend's boyfriend. It's heartbreaking that she's unable to take the steps she needs to free herself from his toxicity. Do I think he's a lost cause? No,  not entirely. Treatment for his alcoholism and therapy/counseling for his other manipulative and abusive behaviors would be a good start,  but I still am concerned for her well being. Unfortunately,  like other abusive situations, it's something that she has to do for herself. Remind her periodically that you care for her and are there to support her whenever she's ready to leave, and all the time in between.

Answer

I think you should have a serious talk with her. No one deserves to be in a relationship like rhat. As for your concern for your baby, you are not wrong. It is your child and he/she should not be put in a situation that even you are not comfortable with. Your friend needs to get some guts and leave before something awful happens to her.

Answer

Being a mom comes before every other relationship.

Answer

1 of 1: No certainly not wrong! This hrs close to home for me. My best friend of 17 years (practically my sister) was in back to back abusive relarionships. As far as I know neither were physical, but very a shove emotionally. The first was for 7 years, and she had two kids with him, so that's why it was so hard to leave. She finally did, and met someone else (and started dating writhing a week of meeting) who portrayed himself to be everything she had never had but wanted and deserved. Their relationship moved EXTRMELY fast (within two months were living together, two months later got engaged, two months later got married). He did/said a few things here and there in front of me that I found to be off, but never said anything. When she told me they decided to elope, I told her of my concerns. She appreciates me looking out but still married him. Not even a month after the elopement, he changed completely. Controlling, possessive, immature, inconsiderate, inappropriate (with me and her 18 year old sister), insecure with himself and their relationship, extremely jealous, sexual addict, the list goes on for days.

Answer

In no way are you a bad friend. I would tell her your concerns though before the baby gets here to put it all to rest. Good luck! It will all work out!

Answer

2 of 2: After a few months of this, and me her mom and sister trying to explain our fears, I finally told her that if she wanted to leave but was scared of what others would think, that we would all be there for her no matter what because we loved her. He read her text from me about that, and forced her to choose between the two of us, and posted terrible things about me on Facebook. When I told her to have him remove it, she said "don't tell me what to do", and that was the end. We didn't speak for 4 months, yet we worked together. I got in a car accident and she didn't even bat an eye when I was telling other coworkers literally crying about what happened. Eventually, she left because he got fired from his job for sexual harassment against a female coworker. A few days after she left, we met up and talked everything out. She explained her side and I mine. We made up and we're still best friends.

Basically, what I'm eating at is, if you fear for your friend or family, it is ALWAYS your place to say something. You may lose her for a time, but eventually she will come back. I not feel bad!

Answer

Um no. Your baby is your life. Never feel bad about protecting your child. If you let her babysit it would be that one in a million tragedy that can't be reversed. Better safe than sorry. If she cares for you then she'll get her shit together.

Answer

Not wrong at all.

Answer

You are absolutely NOT wrong! Your baby's safety comes first, no matter who might be offended.

Answer

You are not a bad friend. You are a good parent and an awesome friend for being upfront about their relationship. Stand your ground.

Am I a bad friend?

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