I can’t take this treatment anymore, please help.

I know this is going to be long but please read this, I really need help idk what to do anymore. So I’m madly in love with my ex/best friend. It’s not first love. I honestly think he’s the one for me and he thought so too. We’ve been dating on and off for a year and a half. We’ve both fucked up a couple times but in the end, we’ve always gotten past it... until now. He’s made out with like 5 girls at a high school party. I left him and then got guilted into a relationship with another one of my friends (that lasted like 6 days and then I broke up with him cause I couldn’t take it). My best friend and I got back together and then he broke up with my, he told me how he had kissed all then girls and how one other girl he had kissed had such an amazing body and tits and how nice they felt and how she makes me look like the pillsbury dough boy.. and how he only ever dated me out of pity and how he regrets saving me from Suicide and how I should just kill myself. We got back together about a week after that... he kept pushing to have me back and I love him so I agreed. A month later, a friend of mine asked me to spend the night with him and his other friend that was a girl. I said yeah, whatever. He said we were gonna watch movies and talk. I got there and it was only us two. He had to pick me up from the mall. (I had went to Spencer’s and bought hand cuffs for my boyfriend and me cause we’re into that stuff) I hid them in the bottom of my bag cause I didn’t want my friend finding them. Then he asked why I was so nervous and hovering over my bag like a vulture... I tried playing it off and said idk what you’re talking aboot. But he forcefully took the bag and dumped it out. The handcuffs fell out. He grabbed them and laughed. He then put them on me as a joke. Cause he doesn’t understand how people get turned on by it. I took them off and laughed it off and put them away. He then started pulling my hair and shit and got on top of me and I let out a yelp cause I didn’t expect it. He pinned me down and asked me if I wanted it... I said yes (I’ve been sexually abused before and I have this irrational fear of if I say no, they will take it by force and it’s my body, I want it to be my decision). He fucked me and afterwards I could barely even walk because I hadn’t been wet and he was being super aggressive so it wasn’t even pleasant it was just painful. I went back home hat morning and called my boyfriend. I felt like such a slut so I broke up with him... a couple days later I was able to tell him what happened and he lost his shit. I explained why and he told me it was bullshit and that I was just looking for an excuse. Long story short we got back together about a month and a half later and just broke up about three weeks ago, he broke up with me saying that what I did was unforgivable and that I’m a nasty whore. We had planned out our future and he had proposed to me the last time we were together... and he just shattered it all. We’re still best friends now but he keeps reminding me that we will never be together and idk what to do. I had confided in him that when my father dies I’m going to kill myself because I’ll have nothing to live for anymore and he got pissed and yelled at me and said “shut the fuck up feeling sorry for yourself. I’m going to bed, bye” and hung up on me. He’s my number one and I’m not even his number three... please help me. I can’t take this anymore.