For the past two weeks I have not been able to sleep. I did a Pap smear exactly two weeks ago, and I had a feeling something wasn't right. I got a call this Monday saying I am positive for HPV. My heart sank, and I just sat there in silence. My fiancé has made me feel a lot better after explaining to me that we all get it or may have it at some point and after doing my research a lot of people don't seem to worry to much about it.

A few days pass by, it's now Thursday. 4 days after finding out I have HPV. Monday I started to feel what looked like rash down south. It wasn't actually necessarily in my vagina. And as the days went by, it started to develop into a sore. Of course I went online and all I could find was HERPES. I called my doctor right away and I headed straight to doctors the next day. This isn't my first breakout. I had one that was really bad when I was pregnant and I confused it with a cut. I shave A LOT, I mean A LOT. And I always cut myself. When I had first looked at it, it looked like a cut which later became a blister. And stupid of me, to think it was just a cut..... I've never had outbreaks in my vagina. The first one was on my perineum and the second which I have now is by my anus. Yes, my anus. It's sad.

I knew this wasn't normal and I had to find out what I had. So as I lay on that bed while the doctor is checking down there, she says "this looks like herpes" for a few seconds I literally saw my whole life past by me. I couldn't really say anything To her aside from ok. I even forgot to ask her now what's going to happen with my sex life between my fiancé and I. We finish quite fast and I almost ran out of there. My fiancé was waiting outside for me with our 10 month old. As soon as I told him, he went silent and then said we would be just fine. And that this shouldn't break me, but make me stronger. He has been more than supportive. And although we don't know 100% if it is, we kind of have already accepted.

But I am really mad at myself and I cannot stop thinking about the men I've slept with. I'm mad at each and every one of them. If I got it from my fiancé, that would be a big surprise but we have no idea on how to find that out. I am only 21 and I couldn't get a Pap smear until now. So again, no way to figure out where I got it from and my fiancé hasn't been tested in 5 years. We've only been together 2 years. I prayed to god every single day to help through this and not let me have something so severe. But not only have I been hit with one STD but 2 STDS plus a UTI. Life's great. I have accepted everything and the last couple of days I have just been in a good mood. Of course, it's always in the back of my mind that I've been infected. But what can I do now?

I start acyclovir today and taking a look at that bottle is really hard.

EDIT: while pregnant, I did get an STD test. But what I didn't know and just recently found out is that herpes isn't part of the test unless you're having symptoms or you ask for it. I didn't get a Pap smear while pregnant because I was 20 years old. I was not 21 and I'm California, you have to be 21 in order to get a Pap smear. Reason why'd I'm now just getting one.