I’m writing here because I need to be heard, and maybe seeking feedback. I wish to remain anonymous because otherwise I post positive messages or happy progresses and don’t want the value of my presence to be devalued by this current ordeal. Essentially I moved in with a friend September 2015 as my roommates did a midnight move on me. He and I had gone on a couple “dates” which I thought were just friends going out after work. I wasn’t in a good place at the time, my drinking had gotten bad, I was in the middle of a divorce etc. I’ve been in therapy for a few years, and at the end of 2015 I decided to tackle my addictions and the trauma which induced their behaviours. Having a love addiction and unhealthy relationships being a part of this, my roommate/friend and I began sleeping together. I was drunk and don’t remember the first time, and didn’t know how to proceed after. We lived together so we became a “relationship” even though that was the last thing I needed at the time. For the first time in a decade I was sober, and I wanted to reclaim my life and my independence. I had been planning to get myself together enough to move and be single and sober, but, I became pregnant in 2016. Five years prior I had been diagnosed as infertile, due to scaring from surgery after a miscarriage. I had tried with three previous partners with no luck. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was nearly in my second trimester. Sobriety brought clarity and other changes which I just assumed were responsible for some of my pregnancy symptoms. Now when I told some friends they were all very concerned because I had just come to a place of stability in my life, and this wasn’t a real relationship. They warned me about single parenthood etc. But what was I to do? The impossible pregnancy. Was I to abort this innocent life? So I condemned myself to make the relationship work. But it isn’t working and I am miserable. Having battled the resulting depression and anxiety from abuse and trauma, I was already high risk for post partum depression. It took me nearly six months to come to terms with my depression and since I’ve been doing much better with effective treatment. But I’m drained and depressed from forcing myself to make this relationship work. I don’t want to separate father and son, I don’t want my son to be raised in a broken family. I’ve thought about asking if we could just be roommates, get a place with a third room. Essentially I am a single mom already, just living with a roommate who has a biological tie to my child. He doesn’t do anything at all around the house. I make all the meals from scratch, I do, fold and put away the laundry, cloth diapers done by hand, make the household cleaners I use to clean everything. I make clothing and do the errands, the accounting, scheduling appointments etc etc etc. He occasionally will give a bottle, or change a diaper, or take out the garbage or give out son a bath, all of which he has to be told to do. I don’t love him like a partner. He isn’t an evolving person. He’s content to work and play video games and eat junk food till he dies. He’s nor environmental or outdoorsy or health conscious or spiritual or anything I am. I keep trying to optimize our household and minimize our waste. Find local farmers and starting our garden. I’m a vegetarian cook and don’t use sugar and always innovate nutritious meals. He doesn’t even eat my food. These are all small things. But I’m miserable pretending this is more than just two friends living together who have a child. I told him I just can't see a future with him, that I feel he just isn't present as the person I want to build my life with. I want to be with someone who shares my visions and is a person who believe in making life better. Not just sitting there I digging in distractions. Always hiding in his games and his junk food, basically spitting on the gift of life. I find myself hoping he has a heart attack or just passes away. Instead of leaving him and having that burden to carry. I need help with our son, and even though he does very little, the few hours a week he does help are needed. I just am so unhappy with him and don’t know what to do. My therapist has been on vacation so I haven’t met with her in too long. I can’t to to my friends or family because I don’t want to worry them, or prove them right, that I’ve failed at yet another relationship. Because of my depression and anxiety going back to work just isn’t possible right now. Financially we can’t afford the child care. He makes too much for me to get assistance and too little to get by comfortably. If I left him I could move into subsidised housing and have the same income he has through disability support. I’m in school right now and in a years time my course will grant me loan benefits which my son and I could live off of while I get my masters. Right now I’m doing school part time because my partner isn’t as helpful as he said he would be. He can’t even give me 20 hours a week as it is for my part time studies. That’s just 4 hours five days a week he needs to be a parent. If I left I could afford a sitter for these hours and move ahead in getting an education which will establish a better future for myself and my son. I feel trapped. I’m so depressed I’m not even keeping up with simple things like brushing my teeth before bed. Barely able to make sure my son has all his needs met, but he comes first above all so I make everything happen. I can put school on hold for one more year. I can spend this year leaving him and establishing our new life. He’s still be a big part of our lives, but I’m already a single mom, why should I live with him if it means I have no financial independence? All the support I could get and that would help me finish my schooling and improve life is held back because I’m attached to his income, which is too much but not enough. I hope I can make it through the week before seeing my therapist.