I always thought I'd be so excited to keep a secret of being pregnant to myself, to dream up ways to creatively announced to everyone once the time was right, but I never thought about the internal struggle i'd have while TTC without anyone knowing. I haven't shared my struggle with any family members, coworkers, or friends for fear that they would constantly be asking me how I was going " still failing at getting pregnant thanks for asking" or even worst symptom spotting, right along with me feeling sick after eating lunch, she must be pregnant?

I wish I could tell everyone why my moods have been all over the place from excitement, (it's another week of trying!) To hope is that implantation cramping?! To despair of course you're not pregnant it hasn't happened in the past month after all... to downright depression AF came, WHY CAN EVERYONE ELSE GET PREGNANT?!!!! I want to apologize for cringing when women tell me there pregnant, there second child, that they got pregnant at there first try, or the worst of all THEY GOT PREGNANT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!!!

Wouldn't it feel better to explain the multitude of feelings you can start to experience just by doing something as simple as going to the bathroom yay! No AF ! Or No Blood??? And then all of a sudden MAYBE ITS IMPLANTATION BLEEDING??

To tell everyone how the act of having sex went from being fun and spontaneous to being about pre-seed and timing and not too often.

And finally be able to share all the random contradicting TTC facts that now have taken over me like you should elevate your legs for 30 minutes, but that sperm cats to the cervix and six seconds or how absolutely every symptom I think I have can mean both AF or pregnancy. Totally takes over your mind!

Just the thought of getting my hopes up only to be letdown once again it's too much to handle sometimes! I wonder if they knew how many people would tell me what happen when you stop trying or it will happen when it's meant to be. Or if there will be someone who truly understands my constant heartache and then anxiety kicks in and hopeless hope and who understands why I can't I won't stop trying!! 2 1/2 years and nothing but a miscarriage that changed my life around!

One of those nights where all I want to do is cry cry and cry!

Here goes another night!