It has been 7 weeks since I’ve seen, held, or nursed my son....I was a victim of domestic violence. In reaction to my husband’s awful behavior, post partum depression/anxiety, as well as my own mental health issues, my husband and I got into a physical fight in July. A few weeks later left my husband with our baby who was 4 months ago. We were gone for almost a month and my husband wasn’t able to find us.

Eventually I had to return to appear in court on August 21 to address my husband’s charges of domestic violence against me. I also (stupidly) attempted a reconciliation with my husband after receiving very persuasive emails and phone calls. He convinced me that he wanted to work on the relationship. We spent 5 days together on and off before our court date. He promised me he would drop the restraining order against me.

Unfortunately I made some huge mistakes during the hearing. I also did what I believed to be the right thing; I admitted what I did and took responsibility for my actions regardless of the consequences. My attorney was not available to represent me that day. My husband heard my testimony that was honest, but also critical of him, and he changed his mind about dropping the RO halfway through the hearing. Provided evidence showing how I had been dangerous and a photo of his neck that was scratched. As a result, the judge granted his restraining order and my husband was granted full legal and physical custody. I was given zero visitation until September 27.

Please I am just looking for some positive and encouraging messages of hope. I pray daily, I try to stay positive.

I am crushed right now. Feeling overwhelmed with grief for the end of

my marriage and of course missing my beautiful son like crazy. My husband suffers from his own set of mental health challenges and I fear he also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’m worried about how he’s caring for our son, considering his temper can be out of control. My husband’s parents were very verbally and emotionally abusive to him, so he’s caught in that trauma bond with them. Especially with his mom, who he now lives with.

I am also open to information regarding how to handle this legally. I had to fire my first attorney because she was very unprofessional. My husband asked for a continuance at the last hearing on September 27 because he didn’t have an attorney present. This means I still have no visitation at all. I’m scared that he is going to attack me even further in court. I’m so sensitive and just feel like giving up. I’m a pacifist. I am experiencing PTSD symptoms for the first time in my life and it’s overwhelming.

Thanks in advance for the support and feedback.