I just need somewhere to let this out.

I've been ttc for 2.5 years with my hubby. it was pretty much love at first site. we met through a friend, and within a week where together, in a month had moved in together, we have a beautiful son, that is his from a previous relationship. I've raised him since he was 5 months old. he's almost 3 now!

I've gotten so much fulfilment from raising our son, I've been ready for a baby since before I met my spouse, and raising our son, has shown me how much I want to have a baby with him. I know it seems selfish to not just be happy with our son already, but there had been times and moments that undoubtedly would have been very different if he was biologically my son.

It's hard sometimes, we're learning knew things every day about parenting, and we have to learn to work as a family with a mom and step mom.

We've been trying pretty much since we met to conceive, with no luck. the first year we didn't even think much about it, just did it allllllll the time, thinking it will happen when it's time.

The second year started and i started to worry. I figured I just didn't know what I was doing, and when I figured things out it would all happen. I bought opks.

I got the hang of opks but after a few more months i thought I must be doing something wrong, so I downloaded this app, as ttc is very private for us, it would be the first grandchild on my side of the family!

i started tracking bbt, cm, cp, opks, and all the other needed information.

I sat with my legs up, I bought Prenatals, I bought more opks, I bought preseed, and even the soft cup to try as I'm out of options.

My hubby wasn't thrilled about any of it, and thinks it should just happen.

I've asked God over and over, and I'm not that religious. I just don't know what else I can do, so maybe he can help.

I had 2 ultrasounds done, everything is normal.

It's now been another 5 months, and I'm just fed up.

I was told I have hyperthyroidism(even though I'm underweight), and got put on medication, levels are now normal, but it didn't change anything, I still ovulated every month the way I still do now.

My doctor has told me I should have no problems. I just feel maybe it's not going to happen. Maybe I never will get to have a baby. Over the last week I've been looking into <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">Ivf</a>, and <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">iui</a>.

I'm 22 and healthy as can be. why do I need medical help? why am I watching all my friends get unexpected joyful pregnancies and I cant get a wanted one. why can't I give my hubby the baby(s) we both would die for. why does my body not want to work and do the 1 things it's supposed to do.

I'm just ready to give up and accept I won't ever have that baby I want more than anything.

looking at children use to make me joyful and hopeful and happy and now it hurts because the thoughts of never having a child of my own or being able to go out with them, teach them things, spend cold nights watching movies, making family dinners, taking them to school and being their mom loving them so much and I'll never get any of it.

It's just painful.

I can't keep getting hopeful every month, to be crushed. To read into every sign, to be wrong. I've decided this is my last month trying. no more tracking anything, no more reading into every sign and symptom, if it happens after this, that's great, I'll be extremely grateful, but I just don't have anymore hope for it. I truly don't believe it will anymore.

Maybe I'll try again in a few years, if I have it in me by than.

sorry for the book. I just don't have anywhere I can just sit down and let this all out but here.