I don't know what choice to make...

This comes with a lot of background. You have been warned.

So, I think I have been submissive since I start to have sexual feelings. I had no idea what they were for years, and they scared the crap out of me. They didn't seem to fit with the rest of who I was: a smart, ambitious, spiritual, loudly feminist young woman who because of witnessing/experiencing emotional and financial abuse and neglect was determined to keep everyone at arms length. After some time of suppressing these feelings, I decided to use the Internet and read all I could get my hands on in order to process this new side of me mostly because they (a) weren't leaving, and (b) were causing an excruciating amount of self loathing. Through research and much meditation, I finally managed to accept it as a part of me and see how it could be healthy.

However, I find I'm at a crossroads. I have no idea as yet how to incorporate it into my life. Right now, I am a student at an extremely prestigious college and have long wanted to deepen my spiritual life whose compatibility with my sexuality I would describe as uneasy. I have been an independent loner my whole life, mostly don't trust anyone, and (embarrassing as it is to admit) have never had a relationship and am for all intents and purposes a virgin. On the other hand, I think I really want this and if I don't how will I know without exposure. This isn't and never has been an occasional daydream; it's a fundamental part of my wiring. I believe that, though maybe not right now, such a relationship could be beneficial to me.

Do I take my newfound peace and forget? Or do I take the next step? How do I know?